Scottish Jokes

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#81
:like2:
 

konifur

Jokeroo Enthusiast
Joined
Jan 25, 2009
Messages
51,687
Likes
8,067
#83
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#84
[QUOTE="konifur, post: 5079014]At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.[/QUOTE]

:like2:
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#85
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
tidy yourself up!..

 

konifur

Jokeroo Enthusiast
Joined
Jan 25, 2009
Messages
51,687
Likes
8,067
#89
A teacher from Glasgow asked her pupils if they know any collective nouns for groups of animals.


"Please, Miss," says Jenny, "a flock of sheep."


"Well done, Jenny." "Please, Miss," says Tommy, "a herd of cows."


"Well done, Tommy." "Please, Miss," says Mary, "a shoal of fish."


"Well done, Mary." Then wee Jimmy puts his hand up...


"Please, Miss," he says, "what about a dose of crabs?"
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#92
[FONT=&quot]An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever I am..? You'll never beat that..!" [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick..!" The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too. Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too. Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket."”
[/FONT]
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#94
[FONT=&quot]Glasgow Nicknames
Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).
The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls ..
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..
Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared of the alarm clock.
The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies:
'Sorry, my hands are tied.
The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
The Olympic Flame - He never goes oot








[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]<form rel="async" class="commentable_item collapsed_comments" method="post" data-ft="{"tn":"]"}" action="https://www.facebook.com/ajax/ufi/modify.php" id="u_jsonp_50_3u" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">


</form>[/FONT]
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#97
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -
'Aye right.'
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
#98
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
187,522
Likes
12,496
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.