Scottish Jokes

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What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.
 

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A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '
 

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A weegie( Glaswegian) bought a pair of Reebock trainers and only fastened one shoe.
His brother asked why he only fastened one shoe.
He replied "it says on the box Tia-Wan!"
 

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A Scottish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrased, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotshman's embarassment, lened over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"
 

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An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Blackburn, London, Birmingham, Leeds, Bolton and a few others. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving decided to travel to Scotland to see if the Scots had the same phone.
He arrived in Dundee and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in England the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son. It's a local call.'
 

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These are genuine clips from Glasgow council complaint letters:
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly then he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
18. The man next door has as large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.