Scottish Jokes

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A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in.
The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door.
The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?"
The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."
The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?"

The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret
Service!
 

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Feeling nervous Shug takes his girlfriend home for the first time.
Shut to his father, "This is Amanda.:
Shug's Da, "Are you sure? He's awfy pretty fur a guy"?
 

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So the snow is due to dissappear tomorrow , Monday!
Spare a thought for those kids who this week have toast for breakfast, sandwich for dinner, toasties for tea and bread pudding for dessert because their thick as shit parents went out and bought 8 loaves of bread as if it was the start of the frigging apocalypse!
 

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In England, they will take a tree, cut it down, remove the branches and the bark until they are left with a cylinder. Next, they will take the cylinder of wood and turn it on a lathe and whittle away until they are left with a perfectly formed bat. The bat will be cured and treated to strengthen it and then, when it is finally ready, they will use it to knock a leather ball around a park.

In Scotland, they just throw the fucking tree.
 

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It was the Scotland/Wales rugby International weekend in Edinburgh and as the crowds made their way down Princes Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but, quick as a flash, a man in red jumped out of the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the man and said, 'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now -

'Welsh Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death'.

The man replied, 'No you've got it wrong. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist, 'I can see the headline now -

'Welshman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'.

The man replied, 'No you're wrong again. I'm not Welsh; I'm from London .'

The journalist said, 'Great! I can see the headline now -

'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet'..
 

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I see a Scottish Guy is suing an American Quiz show. He was denied the $50000 top prize when he was told he had answered the final question incorrectly. He however insists he was correct in his answer.. See what you think

Question - Where is Santa Fe

Answer - North Pole
 

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I said to my Scottish mate, "trapped on a desert island eight letters, starting with M"....he replied, "Marooned"
"Thanks, I'll have a pint with a chaser!"