Scottish Jokes

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41816490_10156840984018559_4796373245697720320_n.jpg
 

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A Scottish woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Inverness .


Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asked: "Why black underwear?"

She replied: "Ma breasts ye can fondle, ma body is yers to explore, but doon ere am still in mourning.
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.


The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's we is ... a black condom?"

"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
 

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Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,

There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
'Ya English diddies!' he yells.'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'
The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'
Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.

'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.
'It's a trap!!!

There's fuckin two of them!!!
 

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Theresa May was visiting a Scottish primary school and she visited one of the classes.


They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mrs May if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', said Theresa - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Theresa - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Theresa searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Jeemy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said:

'If a plane kerryin' you and Jeremy Hunt wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Theresa. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'


'Weel,' says wee Jeemy 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss.....
and it probably widnae be a f***ing accident either!
 

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An Aberdonian had to go to court accused of shagging a cat. The Judge let him off because in 30 years of being a Judge he had never known an Aberdonian to put anything in a kitty!
 

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1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says: 'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.

4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu..

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

19. Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Low Ping.

20. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative -
'Aye right.'

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...