Scottish Jokes

brilor

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brilor

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A Scottish woman lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, she surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn't really know anyone suitable.
Her daughter immediately replied: "Mum! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Inverness .


Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a black bra and a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asked: "Why black underwear?"

She replied: "Ma breasts ye can fondle, ma body is yers to explore, but doon ere am still in mourning.
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night.


The following night the same scenario. She was standing there with the black panties on, and he was in his birthday suit ... except that he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's we is ... a black condom?"

"Well." He said, "I wanted to offer my deepest condolences."
 

brilor

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Edward I of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots.

He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield,

There suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

'Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin'!'

Edward turns to his commander. 'Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart, he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the scotsman

Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
'Ya English diddies!' he yells.'Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll take ye all on!'

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. 'Send 100 men to kill that little shite!'
The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job.

Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

'Ya English SCUM!' he yells. 'I'm just warming up!! Come and get me, Ya English shites !!'
Edward losses patience. 'Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!' he yells.

The commander gulps, but leads four Hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.

Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.
His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, Snot and Irn-Bru.

'Is that the best ye can do??? You're bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go, ya bunch of English Shites!!!' he yells.

Edward turns to his second in command. 'Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!' he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. 'Your Majesty!' he yells.
'It's a trap!!!

There's fuckin two of them!!!