short but sweet ...

squirt

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#1
Like the song says, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but getting caught in bed with her sister is pretty foolproof and makes for a much shorter list.

I don't need cyber sex. Windows goes down on me all the time!

A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises.

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

"I hear you went fishing with your girl last week." "Yes, that's right." "Catch anything?" "Don't know yet."

An elderly couple, Morris and Golda, went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV. When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the Morris said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"

Did you hear about the masochistic homosexual?
He was a sucker for punishment.

Since I've been depressed I've completely lost the urge to masturbate. I guess I just haven't been feeling myself lately.

A notorious harlot named Hearst
In the pleasures of men is well versed
Reads a sign o'er the head
of her well rumpled bed
"The Customer Always Comes First."

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.

She was only a Boxer's daughter but she sure knew how to get a round.

Confucius say never raise hands to angry child - leaves groin exposed.
 

squirt

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#2
Roses are red, violets are green;
You've got a form like a B-17!


Roses are white, violets are red;
Always nice to get some head!


Roses are red, violets are yellow;
Found my girl is really a fellow!


Roses are red, violets are black;
Sure like to get you in the sack!


Roses are red, violets are white;
Would suck you off just a mite!


Roses are red, violets blue;
I Got a large one for you!


Roses are red, violets are fake;
I Want to give you a tube steak!
 

squirt

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#3
It was mealtime during a flight on Continental Airline flight. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 

squirt

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#4
Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister.

How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.

I don't know why the media is making such a big deal over Bush having trouble with his Generals. Clinton had trouble with his privates.

What do you do if your Kotex is on fire?
You tampon it.

A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. "Do you have reservations? " inquires the receptionist. "Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

Most males in a men's room are stand-up guys.

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

Have you heard about the new extra-large tampon?
It's called a "Tightwad."

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?
A rooster clucks defiance ...
 

mountainlion20032003

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#5
[QUOTE="squirt, post: 1833737]Roses are red, violets are green;
You've got a form like a B-17!

Roses are white, violets are red;
Always nice to get some head!

Roses are red, violets are yellow;
Found my girl is really a fellow!

Roses are red, violets are black;
Sure like to get you in the sack!

Roses are red, violets are white;
Would suck you off just a mite!

Roses are red, violets blue;
I Got a large one for you!

Roses are red, violets are fake;
I Want to give you a tube steak![/quote]LMBO! These are great Squirt!:laugh: :D
 

squirt

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#6
[QUOTE="mountainlion20032003, post: 1836662]LMBO! These are great Squirt!:laugh: :D [/QUOTE]

 

squirt

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#7
The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on male anatomy on which the girls did poorly. "I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester.

------------

Old man Bailey woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and pointed to his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!
 

squirt

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#8
Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
Ate something.

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse. You go between periods and you are expected to come.

What's the difference between little girls and big girls?
Little girls get tucked in bed.

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
You call them up and tell them you can't come.

What should you do if you come across an elephant in the middle of a jungle?
Wipe it off & tell him you're sorry!

What did the Mexican doctor say to the village nymphomaniac?
"It looks to me like you've has Juan too many."

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Jack was nimble Jack was quick.
But Jill preferred the candlestick!

Semen is a term for sailors.

She was only a Carpenter's daughter, and she often got nailed and screwed.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
 

squirt

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#11
A man comes home from a night of drinking.

As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."
 

squirt

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#12
An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.

With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"
 

squirt

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#13
While out of town at a business convention, a man decides to write his wife a brief note, but can't find the hotel envelopes and paper customarily found in the room's desk. He goes to the lobby gift shop and inquires of the clerk, a pretty young lady, "Do you keep stationery?" The clerk replies, "Well, yes I do - up until the last minute, then I just go crazy!"
 

squirt

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#14
Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to f*ck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Q: Did you hear about the Polish porno flick?
A: It's called: " Debbie does nothing."
 

squirt

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#19
The owner was showing one of the waitresses in his local gin mill how to fold a napkin to look like a swan when the girl, a rather gorgeous young thing, batted her eyes and commented, "You have the most delicate, slender hands. Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman." Not only did he forgive her, later on he obliged her.
 

squirt

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#20
The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Jones, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."