short but sweet ...

Angy

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#21
The mortician calls Mrs. Jones, and says, "Excuse me Mrs. Jones, but I can't seem to close the lid to your husband's coffin because he has a huge erection." To which she replies, "Why don't you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That's the only hole in town it hasn't been in."[/COLOR]
ouch she seems a tad bitter lmao :devil: :thumbs-up
 

squirt

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#25
Why are men like lawn mowers?

If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

* * *

How is an ex-husband like an inflamed Appendix?

It caused you a lot of pain, and after it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.

* * *

What do men and pantyhose have in common?

They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

* * *

How do we know men invented maps?

Who else would make an inch into a mile?!

* * *

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

* * *

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals."

* * *

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"
 

Country17

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#26
I'm a contractor so I have to throw this one in:

Floors are like men, if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life.......lol

I don't know why I'm saying this except it is kind of humorous.
 

squirt

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#27
'm a contractor so I have to throw this one in:

Floors are like men, if you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them the rest of your life.......lol

I don't know why I'm saying this except it is kind of humorous.
[/SIZE]
it was a great addition, thank you!

... gotta keep layin' them right too lol
 

squirt

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#28
One Liners ...

The secret of life is there is no secret of life.

Life is like a slow soap opera without commercials.

If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.

If you don't run, they can't chase you.

The best things in life aren't things.

Q) What did the Alabama teen do with his first fifty cent piece?
A) He married her

Q) What do you call a Korean family with just one dog?
A) Vegetarians

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread?
A) Because they are both turned down at night.

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??

Q)Whats black and white and comes in little cans?
A) Michael Jackson

Q) How did the leper lose the poker game?
A) He threw in his hand.
 

squirt

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#29
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
 

squirt

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#30
Q: Why do doctors and nurses really wear masks during an operation?
A: If somebody fucks up, nobody will know who it was.

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A: Line dancing at the nursing home.
 

squirt

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#31
Two boys are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest. The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed." The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works night shift, or isn't home for ANY reason -- he sleeps with the woman next door!"
 

squirt

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#32
A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself
 

squirt

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#35
A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its carriage when she was approached by an old friend.

The woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said, "What a beautiful baby boy! Little Jesse looks just like his father."

"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"
 

squirt

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#36
A robber broke in on a young woman and her elderly mother.I'm going to tie you up while I fill my bag with swag," he said, "and then before I leave I'm going to have my way with both of you." Oh, please, sir," cried the young woman, "take anything you want, and do what you will with me, but PLEASE spare my dear old mother." "Now, dear," said the mother, "don't try to teach the man his trade."
 

squirt

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#37
Sherlock Holmes' gardener told Doctor Watson that a schoolgirl was in Holmes' bedroom. Watson heard muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was in danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl having a 69. "Holmes!" said Watson. "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary."
 

squirt

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#38
The Irish maiden's prayer:
"Dear Lord, Please have Murphy on me."

Why do so many brides get crow's feet as soon as they're married?
From squinting and saying, "Suck what?"

Elton John is getting divorced already.
He found that his husband was having sex behind his back
 

squirt

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#39
"Father," said Luigi, "I wanna an annulment."

"Why, Luigi?" asked the priest. "You justa gotta married yesterday."

"I tink I married my sister," Luigi said.

"No, no Luigi," said his proest. "I know you ana you wife alla you lives, and there is no relation. What make-a you tink she's-a you sister?"

"Last night we undress for bed, she looka at my dicka, an' she say, 'Oh, brother!'"
 

squirt

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#40
Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her prescription to the pharmacist. "Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got three people waiting in my car!"