Sick Jokes

Vinnie

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#1
Whenever I'm feeling down I cheer myself up by going to the nearest playground and watch the kids run around, screaming and shouting.

They don't know I'm using blanks
 

Vinnie

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#2
I'm a psychologist, and the other day I couldn't help wondering,

Suicide Bombers, what makes them tick?
 

Vinnie

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#3
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
 

Vinnie

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#4
Women colour their hair, get boob-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height...

Then complain that there's no real men out there.
 

Vinnie

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#5
Sri Lanka not doing too well in the test match;

The Pakis are murdering them....
 

Vinnie

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#6
I feel the Wife and I share the same sense of humour, We have to she hasn't fucking got one.
 

Vinnie

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#7
I walked past some protesters the other day holding a giant banner saying 'FREE PALESTINE'.

I couldn't help but thinking isn't giving it away how we got in this mess in the first place?
 

Vinnie

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#8
Is the new Batman movie cursed? Consider the evidence:

1. Heath Ledger died from an overdose earlier this year.

2. Christian Bale was arrested a few weeks ago.

3. Morgan Freeman was in a serious car crash on Sunday.

4. I'm planning to kidnap Maggie Gyllenhaal next weekend and keep her in my cellar as a sex slave for the rest of her natural life.

Spooky, eh?
 

Vinnie

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#10
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went, "T'PAU!"

I said, "don't you mean KAPOW??"

He said, "no, I've got China in my hand."
 

Vinnie

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#11
I went to the Video Shop the other day. I said, "can I take out Batman Forever?"

They said, "no, you have to bring it back tomorrow."
 

Vinnie

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#13
The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.
And then it hit me.
 

Vinnie

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#14
It said on the news today that Barack Obama is enjoying a "honeymoon period" with the American people.

Enjoying? My new wife had one of them, and it ruined the whole trip.
 

Vinnie

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#15
Two paedophiles are on a cruise when one falls overboard.
"Help! Help! I'm drowning! Someone throw me a buoy!"
The other turns to the passengers surrounding him and says "Thats my mate - game to the end!"
 

Vinnie

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#16
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.

You probably know this already, but TV X are running an alternative "Sex Olympics."

Apparently the British team came first in the breast stroke, which was disappointing.
 

Vinnie

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#17
I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
 

Vinnie

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#18
I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.



My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.




I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"


I was at a cash machine when an old lady walked up and asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.



A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
 

Vinnie

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#19
I just watched that TV Show, Changing Rooms.

I should have guessed when it was on BEFORE the watershed.

Well, that was a waste of a box of tissues!
 

squirt

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#20
[QUOTE="Vinnie, post: 2740946]The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you.
And then it hit me.[/QUOTE]

hard? lol :eh: :devil: :p