Sick Jokes

konifur

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:likelaugh:
 

brilor

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What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes whack them damn and a skydiver goes damn then whack!
 

brilor

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[FONT=&quot]Stevie Wonder is on tour when he turns to one of his roadies and says, "My harmonica isn't working."[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What harmonica?" he replies, "You've just sucked the chocolate off the side of my Crunchie."[/FONT]
 

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Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."
 

brilor

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer, You Are.'
 

brilor

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:like2:

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
 

brilor

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A chemist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant.
The assistant replies "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any so I gave him a bottle of laxatives."
"You fucking idiot" said the chemist "You can't treat a cough with laxatives"
"Of course you can" replied the assistant "Look at him; he daren't fucking cough now!
 

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HUSBAND: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes for me?
WIFE: Of course I would sweetheart.
HUSBAND: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
WIFE: Absolutely honey.
HUSBAND: If I lost my legs would you push me in a wheelchair?
WIFE: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
HUSBAND: I just sprained my wrist
 

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I'm going to miss my father this Christmas, but I know he'll be up there, looking down at us all.
Moaning about the broken stair lift.