Sick Jokes

konifur

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:likelaugh::likealllaugh:
 

brilor

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My wife said to me,"What the hell are you doing?"
I said,"I'm doing that thing where you fart into a container before puttingthe lid on,it's a laugh."
She said,"Fucking get out of my Mother's coffin."
 

brilor

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After suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself.
I started to feel a whole lot better.
So I thought, fuck it, I'll soldier on.
 

brilor

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If you're wondering what to do with your Turkey carcass after Christmas...
Pop it in your bed and imagine you're David Beckham.
 

brilor

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Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Hey mate, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife..
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
 

konifur

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I went to see a psychic last night.

She looked at me and said, "In five years time you will have 3 children."

"But I already have 4 children!" I laughed.

She said, "I know, leukemia is a bastard."
 

konifur

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Dave took his wife and daughter away for a weekend in the caravan.

"Any chance of a blow job?" Dave whispered to my wife when we were in bed.

"For fuck's sake, Dave!" she hissed, "Mandy's in the bed over there!"

"Good point," he said, "Mandy? Any chance of a blow job?"
 

brilor

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I saw my mate Andy this morning, he's only got 1 arm, bless him..
I shouted, "Where you off to Andy?"
He said "I'm going to change a light bulb"
I laughed my f****** head off, and said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it?"..

"Not really " he said,
"I've still got the f****** receipt, you spiteful c**t.
 

brilor

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A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,

"Bring me a hammer." She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guy starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F**k, f**k!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
 

brilor

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I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came off his motorbike, so I frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way!" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.
"No" I replied, " hes got my pizza.