St. Patrick's Day Jokes

squirt

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lol ... :likelaugh:
 

brilor

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[FONT=&quot]Englishman, Scotsman. Welshman and an Irishman were having their usual Friday night drink after work.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When Suddenly Jock stands up finishes off his pint and says “Okay guys I'm off now”.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Aw come on Jock, just have one more for the road”.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“ I can't”, he says. “I promised my son Andrew I would be home early for his birthday, I called him Andrew because he was born on St Andrew's day”.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Welshman says, “Well isn't that a coincidence, I called my son David, because he was born[/FONT][FONT=&quot] on St David's Day”.
The Englishman says “I don't believe it, wouldn't you know, I called My son George, because he was born on St George's day”.
The Irishman says, “Well bugger me, just wait till I get home and tell my son Pancake”.[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]A very drunk paddy meets a prostitute in a dark alley.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Paddy asks "how much for full sex?"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"20" she replies.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"Ok,"says paddy[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] they get down to business.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Next minute a copper appears[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] shines a torch in their faces. "Whats going on here then?" He asks.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
"Nothing officer, I'm just having sex with my wife"
"Sorry sir" apologizes the cop "I didn't know that was your wife."
Paddy shouts, "neither did I til you shone your feckin torch in her face!"[/FONT]
 

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Irish Logic


[FONT=&quot]Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all going for a job as a code breaker for Scotland yard. Their first test is to pick the odd one out from 3 objects. A cabbage, a potato and a knife.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Englishman walks in and the interviewer asks him which is the odd one out.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Englishman replies, “The knife, because the other 2 are vegetables.” He passes the test and is told to send the 2nd man in.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Scotsman enters and after being asked he also replies, “The knife, because t[/FONT][FONT=&quot]he other 2 are foods.” He passes and is asked to send the Irishman in.
When asked the odd one out he replies, “The cabbage!” The interviewer says, “What, how did you get that answer?”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you can make chips with the other two!"[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]The Maguire twins had never known the likes before. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Mick. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Pat.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!
[/FONT]
 

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[FONT=&quot]Two salesmen are boasting at the bar.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"I've been selling fridges to the Eskimos for over ten years!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"So what? I've been selling cuckoo clocks to the Paddy's for over ten years!"[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]"What's so special about that?"
"I sell five sacks of birdseed with every clock."
[/FONT]
 

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Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do.
Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."
So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm."
Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a ceilidh band at 4:00 o'clock in the morning?"








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A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant. “Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”
“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”
Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir.” says Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything and lied down on the table and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Good Lord, Seamus, what did you do?!” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”​