St. Patrick's Day Jokes

brilor

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brilor

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How do you confuse an Irish Navvy?

Put three shovels in the corner and ask him to take his pick!
 

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ANSWERS TO OFFICIAL IRISH SEX QUIZ
01 A Clitoris is a type of flower
02 A Pubic hare is a wild rabbit
03 A Vulva is a Swedish car
04 Spread eagle is an extinct bird
05 A Fallopian tube is part of a TV
06 It is dangerous to have a wet dream in an electric blanket
07 Vagina is a medical term for heart trouble
08 Fellatio is an Italian dagger
09 A menstrual cycle has three wheels
10 A G string is part of a violin
11 Anus is the Latin word for yearly
12 Semen is another word for sailors
13 Testicles are found on an octopus
14 Cunnilingus is a person who speaks 4 languages
15 Asphalt describes rectal trouble
16 Kotex is a radio station in Texas
17 Masturbate is used to catch big fish
18 Coitus is a musical instrument
19 Foetus is a character in Gunsmoke
20 An umbilical cord is part of a parachute
21 A condom is an apartment building
22 When you miss a period you can use a semi-colon
 

brilor

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Historians in Ireland have discovered what they believe to be the headstone of the oldest ever living man.
He was 193 and his name was Miles from Dublin.
 

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Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys. A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted!"
 

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Paddy phones for ambulance as Murphy's been hit by car. Operator asks where the accident is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus rd. He's asked: How do you spell that? The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says sorry about that, I've just dragged him to Oak street!
 

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Zoo keeper says to Paddy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?". Paddy replies, "I will on 3 conditions:
1st I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd my family must never know.

3rd I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.
 

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Paddy and Murphy are in the Wild West looking for work. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that forevery Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.
So the next day they ride out into the desert and hide behind a rock next to a watering hole in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. After hours of waiting, a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy runs over and grabs the indian in a head lock. Murphy raises his knife ready to scalp him. Suddenly they freeze.
On the ridgetop around them, thousandsds of Indians slowly ride up on horseback. Paddy and Murphy look around to see that they are completely surrounded. There is complete silence except for thewhistling desert wind.
After a long pause Murphy leans slowly over to Paddy and whispers, "Fuck me Paddy....we're gonna make a fortune...."
 

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Paddy & Mick are both on incapacity benefit claiming to be deaf.
Paddy says, "The bastards caught me out, they told me to close thedoor on me way out & i did."
Mick replies, "They tried to do the same thing to me Paddy but i was too smart for them. I told em to shut the fucking door themselves!"
 

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Dead Man In The Street
The man was immaculately dressed.
Fitted out more for the Ritz than the street.
But in the street he lay dressed in black tail suit, patent leather shoes, top hat and bow tie, and very dead.
'How did he get here?' asked Patrolman Muldoon.
'He threw himself off the roof,' said a bystander.
'Does anyone know the man?' said Muldoon.
'I do,' said Barrie Quinn.
'What religion is he?' asked the policeman. 'Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Muslim?'
'None at all,' said Quinn. 'He's an atheist!'

'What a shame,' said Muldoon. 'All dressed up and nowhere to go!'