St. Patrick's Day Jokes

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One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Murphy and the thief began to wrestle.
They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.
However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him.
All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!
 

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An Irish bloke goes to the doctor. “Dactor, it’s me ahrse. I’d loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot”.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible”. he says, “there is a £20 note lodged up here”. Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man’s bottom, and then a £10 note appears. “This is amazing” exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?
“Well fur fughs sake teyhk it out man!” shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another etc ….. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

“Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat’s moch batter, how moch is dare den?.
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. “£1990 exactly.”
“Ah, dat’d be roit. I knew I wasn’t feeling two grand.
 

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Mick and Paddy had made a promise to their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more'.
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'Nodis'll neva do'. The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

'Aye it tis! Can yer hand me DA shovel.
 

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John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.
Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.
They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look Paddy... there's that f****** idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!
 

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A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare,
to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a
bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no
object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait
while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer
portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in the nude alright, but I have to at least leave me
socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
 

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Positive proof that Jesus was Irish:
1) He lived at home until he was 30.
2) The night before he died, he went out drinking with his friends.
3) His mother thought he was God.

4) He thought his mother was a virgin.
 

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Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile,' says the Coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.
The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken".
 

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Paddy pushes his pregnant wife into the maternity ward at the Hospital in labour.
The nurse says, "how dilated is she?" Paddy says, "be jaysus, she's over the feckin moon."