St. Patrick's Day Jokes

brilor

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brilor

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Paddy got a job as a Bus Driver and on his first morning he just sat at the Depot waiting.

The Bus Inspector came over to see and asked what the problem was.

Paddy said, "l'm waiting for the Ticket Conductor."

The Bus Inspector informed him that all the Buses were now One Man Buses.

So Paddy drives off in the Double Decker Bus.

Twenty minutes later there is a call to the depot "one of your buses has been involved in a traffic accident."

The Bus Inspector goes down to the Crash and there is Paddy and the Wrecked Bus.

Bejesus Paddy, "How did this happen?" Asked the Bus Inspector.

Paddy shrugged his shoulders, and said.....

"Fecked if I know. l was Upstairs collecting the Fares at the time."
 

brilor

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can't read very fast.
You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved.
About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle.
I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whisky at the brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out.
It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days.
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in 7 days, up she comes.


Your loving Mother,

P.S. I was going to send you 5 Euros, but I have already sealed the envelope !!
 

brilor

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Paddy is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he is stopped at customs they find that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why Paddy said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."
 

brilor

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The Irish bobsleigh team at the Winter Olympics are refusing to race until the course has been gritted!
 

brilor

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First Irish Farmer:
My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
Second Irish Farmer:
Did you shoot it in the hole?

First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
 

brilor

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Paddy and a woman are kissing on a sofa.
After a while the woman says to Paddy, "Let's take this upstairs." Paddy says,
"Ok, you grab one end and I'll get the other."