St. Patrick's Day Jokes

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Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want dont you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
 

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The Irish government has advised local councils to save money on lollipop men and women by moving all the schools over to the other side of the road!
 

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Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
 

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Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the only other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair inviting her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 

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There were three guys that won a contest. They would get to spend a year in a room with anything they chose.
The first guy loves to have sex. So they put him in a room for a year with over 200 girls to have sex with for a year.
The second guy loved to get drunk. So they put him in a room with every beer there ever was to drink for a year.
The third guy an Irishman loved to smoke.
So they put him in a room with every kind of cigarette there was to smoke.

Two hours later they hear the guy that loved to smoke banging on the door but they say fuck him, he's in there for a year.
A year later they let them out.
They first guy came out and he could barely walk, after how many times he had sex.
The second guy came out and couldn't walk because he was so drunk.
The Irishman came out crying. They asked him why he was banging on the door and why he was crying. He said, "I forgot my lighter!"
 

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An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
And the Irishman was thinking, "This is f****** great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel...
I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English fella again.".