what would you do?

AutumnRain

Senior Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2005
Messages
3,958
Likes
181
#1
Short story to those who don't know me

I'm 42, 3 grown children, widowed Christmas 2008..

For the past few years I've had a relationship with a guy who I thought was my everything.
In Jan 2013 I get the horrific news that I have something growing in my brain.
Shortly afterwards I notice my bf pulling away from me.. When I asked what was wrong I got the usual reply .. Nothing..
I assumed it was due to my illness and tries to talk about it with him but he wouldn't talk.
In April 1013 I was operated on and in intensive care for a while.. During this time he never left my side.
He and my children really looked after me and got me back on my feet...
In July 2013.. He tells me I've changed and he doesn't love me anymore... Then that same day I find out he had been having an affair for 18 months, but that it had been over since my diagnosis..
We talk and talk and eventually we decide to stay together.
It hasn't been easy to say the least. I am learning to live with different challenges, physically and mentally. My children are learning to cope with a mum who has changed drastically...
And so is my.boyfriend..
I hate that his cheating has destroyed my faith in him.
So it has broken me to the core to find out he has been texting another woman ! He has many female friends and texting women doesn't bother me... However it does when he mentions their first kiss, the first time they touched each other... He also talks about my children in a not so positive light.
When questioned about it he says it was before he and I met... But I am.having doubts... As I recently found out he had gone to see her one day when he claimed he was going to his parents.
I was so much to believe him. Our life together is one filled with laughter enjoyment and we really do enjoy each others company....


I just cannot think straight. My friends just do the usual " dump.him" .. But it really isn't that easy
 

TwiztedAngel

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 27, 2014
Messages
6,511
Likes
4
#2
On the positive side of things, if you opt to leave him, you are not married. You might want to check around to find out about relationship counselors, and then suggest to him about seeing one. If he refuses in any way, consider it a red flag.

Some men just want to go back to acting like a child, because the memory tells them it is fun.

I was with a man for 7 years before he started treating me like shit just because he wanted to go back to happier times ... which meant sleeping with whomever he wanted to. He just did not remember that he was lucky to get laid once a year before he met me.

I hope this gives you some good ideas. I am certainly not in the relationship business, so all I can do is offer a little insight.

Good luck.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
245,121
Likes
1,289
#3
What TA said. I personally have never cheated my my spouse so really can't say much. Although know many men that have and seems like once they have they will not stop, I don't give a ratsass what they will say to you.
 
Joined
Jun 4, 2004
Messages
11,386
Likes
299
#4
What would I do?
I would dump him!!
You cheat,....game over!!
You have the guts to lie about it after I found out.......your balls are at stake!
Simple as that!!
I would end it as a patch on a wound....with one quick jerk......It might hurt terribly for a bit but then it starts to feel better........instead of trying to remove it slowly and drag the pain for a longer of period.
I don't need drama in my life.

I hope that he is not the same guy who cheated on his former girlfriend with you.
 

01Aladdin

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2012
Messages
6,973
Likes
7
#5
Define "cheating"

You've said he's "texting" another woman...

As others have already written though, if he has cheated and had sex with another woman, it's game over. Once a miserable lying cheating basstid, always one. Been there, done this, you forgive them and let them back they just do it again.


But the more important thing, the bigger thing - you said he said he doesn't love you any more. That's a bigger deal breaker. You can't make another person love you... sighhhhhhhh. All you can do is be who you are and hope someone loves you for you.

With everything else going on in your world, you sure don't need an unreliable peanut dragging your emotions down when you need to be strong and fight the evil in your body.

I for one know too well what it is like to love someone who doesn't love you back. It aches, it aches alllllllllll the time, and it might never go away - and i bet it feels like it might never go away.

I wish i had magical words to take the pain, but there are none. Focus on living and getting strong again and kicking the thing inside that wants to kill you. To heck with a useless man who can't see the solid gold he had in his hands.
 

Romford Lad

Jokeroo Enthusiast
Joined
Mar 4, 2005
Messages
29,175
Likes
423
#6
Dear lady ~ I know you have been through quite an ordeal ~ and are now starting to get your life going again ~ but with hurt and worry around you ~ is not one of the best situations. I think that TA's suggestion of seeing a 'professional' is sound advice, if he refuses to go, then you really do have to think very seriously where this relationship is going, and for how long you can live with the uncertainty.

Only you can make the decision ~ I have never done that to my wife, although my first wife did it to me over a long period, before I found out ~ and just throw her out of the house.

Think long and hard ~ and although it sounds impossible, think of the situation of just you and your children, without the added heartache of someone around who doesn't have your trust.

Very easy for us here to post differing points of view ~ in the end you have to consider your happiness and that of your children.
 

Goodgrief

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 13, 2008
Messages
13,792
Likes
154
#7
Time to move on with your life. You can't trust him. Out he goes. Relationships are meant to be built on mutual respect and trust. You're not getting either.

You are too young to be old but old enough to stop being a target.
 

likeaneagle

Senior Member
Joined
Jan 21, 2009
Messages
14,200
Likes
197
#8
[QUOTE="01Aladdin, post: 4533310]Define "cheating"

You've said he's "texting" another woman...

As others have already written though, if he has cheated and had sex with another woman, it's game over. Once a miserable lying cheating basstid, always one. Been there, done this, you forgive them and let them back they just do it again

But the more important thing, the bigger thing - you said he said he doesn't love you any more. That's a bigger deal breaker. You can't make another person love you... sighhhhhhhh. All you can do is be who you are and hope someone loves you for you.

With everything else going on in your world, you sure don't need an unreliable peanut dragging your emotions down when you need to be strong and fight the evil in your body.

I for one know too well what it is like to love someone who doesn't love you back. It aches, it aches alllllllllll the time, and it might never go away - and i bet it feels like it might never go away.

I wish i had magical words to take the pain, but there are none. Focus on living and getting strong again and kicking the thing inside that wants to kill you. To heck with a useless man who can't see the solid gold he had in his hands.[/QUOTE]

.i dont know how too text! too bad ,so sad! bye bye!:tissues:
 
Last edited:

AutumnRain

Senior Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2005
Messages
3,958
Likes
181
#9
its so easy for others to say dump him, hes out, get rid of him... but its really not that simple.. I am not cold hearted, i treat others as i would like to be treated.
I do want a future with this man as he is far more than a cheat.. hes been a wonderful supporting figure in my childrens lives. He makes me laugh, makes me feel that my life isnt over.. hes not a bad guy.. hes just made some bad choices..
we have decided to try therapy and so far so good...
I cant trust him... he needs to earn that... time will tell...
 

01Aladdin

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 10, 2012
Messages
6,973
Likes
7
#10
Thing is... you will never, everrrrrrrrrrr be able to trust him, and without trust, what else can there be?

Been where you are, had friends in similar situations too. Trust me, the moment he feels secure in the relationship again, he will let you down again.
 
Joined
Jun 4, 2004
Messages
11,386
Likes
299
#11
[QUOTE="AutumnRain, post: 4553925]its so easy for others to say dump him, hes out, get rid of him... but its really not that simple.. I am not cold hearted, i treat others as i would like to be treated.
I do want a future with this man as he is far more than a cheat.. hes been a wonderful supporting figure in my childrens lives. He makes me laugh, makes me feel that my life isnt over.. hes not a bad guy.. hes just made some bad choices..
we have decided to try therapy and so far so good...
I cant trust him... he needs to earn that... time will tell...[/QUOTE]

Your question was "What would you do?"
And that was my answer......what I would do!!
If your question would have been "What should I do?
Then my answer would have been: "That is up to you....it is your life......you should do what you think is best and whatever makes YOU happy!!!
No one but you can answer and decide that!!