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  1. Istvan

    Xmas cracker jokes. (Please add)

    I have been ask to write some jokes and mottoes for next years xmas crackers, I would be very grateful for any contributions, I have shown a few as an example Q; What does a pearl wear for the Easter parade? A; An oyster bonnet Q; Why do firemen wear red braces and policemen blue ones? A; To...
  2. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    I went into my local chemist last week and said, "I've got a dreadful hang-over, could you make something up for me", he "Yes fine, by the way did you know that McDonald's are giving away free burgers today?" I said "Really?" he said "No I just make that up"
  3. Istvan

    Women, you can't live with them, you can't live with them

    I still say that my first marriage wasn't legal, I found out later that the shotgun wasn't loaded
  4. Istvan

    Women, you can't live with them, you can't live with them

    no the fact is they WON'T live with me, well not for long anyway
  5. Istvan

    Women, you can't live with them, you can't live with them

    my first wife and I broke up on religious grounds, she didn't agree that I was god
  6. Istvan

    Women, you can't live with them, you can't live with them

    and I should know, I have had 5 wives but be fair, two of them were my own, I always wanted to get married twice, especially during my first marriage, my first wife is no longer with us, she has gone to a better place, Bournemouth. The trouble having more than one wife is, more than one...
  7. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    my other Grandfather once took part in a duel, in which he came third, when he was 96 years he married a young woman of 25 years, his doctor told him "With an age gap like that it could be fatal", he told the doctor, "I'll take the chance, if she dies, she dies"
  8. Istvan

    Films, TV, and plays with one letter different;

    One foot in the gravy, Motorway chops who cares who wins, Last of the Summer whine the ten o'clock nudes
  9. Istvan

    New meaning to old words

    new meaning for old words Towards; what they have in t'hospitals in Yorkshire Unfrock; part of a strippers performance Train; what stops play in a Yorkshire cricket match Atlas; bare headed Towel; a bird that hunts by night in Yorkshire Tat; Yorkshire head wear Debrief; the finale of a...
  10. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    ah those were the days, when I used to do it, I think???
  11. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    Free! my favorite price
  12. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    Kipper; Actually I am Hungarian, but thank you for your guide to cricketing, I was sent to the UK as a Kinder Transport during the Great Patriotic War. Here I was fostered and the foster parents like Bamber's parents we also moved often, from one rented property usually at night while no one was...
  13. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    so Bamber are you a Janner then?
  14. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    I can understand that jokes are very local, in fact many years ago I applied for the job of German State Comedian, but I couldn't remember the other joke
  15. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    well never mind, I don't get cricket or Keith Lemon
  16. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    you'r not English are you?;)
  17. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    BTW I understand that in the USA they drive on the Right, I can not believe that they do not have more accidents, when I tried this last week near my home in the South of England I nearly had 3 accidents in only 10 minutes
  18. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    just to further explain, in English/Scottish Bird, Byrde, Burd equals American; Frail or Broad, which another word which can cause confusion when visiting Americans are told "Should visit the Norfolk Broads" and find themselves very disappointed when they do
  19. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    the word is Middle English bird, byrd, burde, perhaps alteration of Old English brȳd bride, it was a poetic c.1200 word for "woman, lady" in old ballads; later "young lady, maiden;" A derivation "Burd" is use in Scotland as meaning 1. fiance 2. fiancee 3. girlfriend 4. girlfriend 5. lass
  20. Istvan

    It says, Tell us about yourself, so here goes

    one day Noddy got up early and thought 'What a lovely day, I will go and see my friend Big-ears and we can go for a ride in my big red motor-car and have a picnic' so he got into his motor-car and drove along the road, when he came to dark woods he saw some Gollies, and he shouted out "Don't...
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