Groaner thread (please add)

brilor

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If anyone has seen the BBC news report about '99' ice creams being banned, don't worry, it's flake news.
 

stevent222

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- A Drink Named After You --*
A grasshopper hops into a bar and jumps up on a barstool.

The bartender looks at him and starts laughing and says, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper gives the bartender a dirty look and says, "You got a drink named Hank?"
 

brilor

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There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem -- the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left.

But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories.

The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
 

brilor

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My brother and I used to play cowboys and Indians when we were kids. He was the shopkeeper and I would do dodgy building work for him.
 

stevent222

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Contemplation

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold
beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated
some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because
she would have said 'about what?'

At that point, I’d have to explain that men are deep thinkers about
various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more
painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that
giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the
nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I’ve come
up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and
here’s the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be
nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I’d
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.
 

stevent222

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Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests
shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and was
treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.. After dinner,
she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
..
She was met by two of the Brothers.
The first one says, "Hello, I am Brother Michael and this is Brother
Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just
wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner.
..
The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who
cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turned to the other Brother and said, "Then you must be....?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so -- I am the chip monk.
 

brilor

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
 
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