Groaner thread (please add)

jrwwwww

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You cannot taste me, until you undress me. (Banana)
 

stevent222

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A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, Tennessee.

One morning, they were eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to
enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they
noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to
table, visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to
his wife, 'I hope he doesn't come over here.'
But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

'Where are you folks from?' he asked in a friendly voice.

'Oklahoma,' they answered.

'Great to have you here in Tennessee,' the stranger said... 'What do
you do for a living?'

'I teach at a seminary,' he replied.

'Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well, I've got a really
great story for you.' And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat
down at the table with the couple.

The professor groaned and thought to himself, 'Great.. Just what I
need.... Another preacher story!'

The man started, 'See that mountain over there? (Pointing out the restaurant
window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an
unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he
went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, who's your
daddy?' Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store,
people would ask the same Question, 'Who's your daddy?'

He would hide at recess and lunch time from other students. He would
avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad. 'When
he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would
always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question,
'Who's your daddy?'

But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast that he
caught the boy before he got out of the back door as usual.
The new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his
shoulder and asked him, 'Son, who's Your daddy?'
The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the
church was looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer
to the question,
'Who's your daddy?'

This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using
discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that
scared little boy. 'Wait a minute! I know who you are! I see the family
resemblance now, You are a child of God.'

With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, 'Boy, you've got a
great inheritance. Go and claim it.'

'With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and
walked out the door a changed person.
He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?'
he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God..''

The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said, 'Isn't
that a great story?'

The professor responded that it really was a great story!

As the man turned to leave, he said, 'You know, if that new preacher hadn't
told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have
amounted to anything!' And he walked away.

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress
over and asked her, 'Do you know who that man was -- the one who just
left that was sitting at our table?'

The waitress grinned and said, 'Of course. Everybody here knows him.

That's Ben Hooper. He's governor of Tennessee!'
 

stevent222

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orrest Gump Dies and Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is
at the Pearly Gates. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest
approaches the gatekeeper.

The gatekeeper said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you though, that the place
is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it
before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, sir. But nobody ever
told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was.'

The gatekeeper continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions. First: What two days of the week begin, with
the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, That would be Today and
Tomorrow.'

The gatekeeper's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did
not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the
next one?' 'How many seconds in a year?'

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, the gatekeeper said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year ?

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd,
February 2nd, March 2nd...

'Hold it, interrupts the gatekeeper. 'I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us
go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's
first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, it's Andy. '

'Andy?' exclaimed the exasperated and frustrated gatekeeper. Ok, I
can understand how you came up with the answers to my earlier
questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as the first name of God? You are going to love this ....

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. I learnt
it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

The gate keeper opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run, Forrest, run".

Lord, Give me a sense of humor, Give me the ability to
understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life. And to pass it
on.
 

stevent222

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Messages
347,276
I - I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people of natural causes.

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.

3- Life is sexually transmitted.

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying for nothing.

7- Have you noticed snce everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?


8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism
.
10- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . .

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18 Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19- Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

IF YOU WANT TIME MAKE TIME. YOU WILL NEVER FIND TIME.
 

stevent222

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Messages
347,276
Are You An Old Geezer

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a
medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get
$1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you
please help me?

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring
to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops
in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back
after several more days.
Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your
$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you
can outsmart an "old Geezer"
 

stevent222

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While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman ga

A Military Transport Flightve the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said, 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes!' said the attendant. 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member. 'We no longer call it the Cockpit. It's now the Box Office.'
 

jrwwwww

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Messages
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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
 

jrwwwww

Active member
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Sep 4, 2019
Messages
69
A professor at the University was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?' She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
 

stevent222

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I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please".
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.
 

stevent222

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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His
reply: 'I know, I already got that side. ' This was at the Honda
dealership in Canton, MS
 

stevent222

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We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did
not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a
minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time,
a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4
horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO,
it's not.' Four is larger than two.'We haven't used Sears repair
since.
 

stevent222

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My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I
know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed
and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did
so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we
could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me
back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
 

stevent222

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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City
 

stevent222

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I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
 

stevent222

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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation
officer in Wichita, KS
 

stevent222

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At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.’ Not another word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
 
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