Groaner thread (please add)

brilor

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China just released the name of the first man with the Coronavirus:

Ah Chu
 

stevent222

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A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They
were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers
were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife
will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on.
My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like."
 

stevent222

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A LAWYER, WHO HAD A WIFE AND 12 CHILDREN, NEEDED TO MOVE BECAUSE HIS RENTAL AGREEMENT WAS TERMINATED BY THE OWNER, WHO WANTED TO REOCCUPY THE HOME.

WHEN HE SAID HE HAD 12 CHILDREN, NO ONE WOULD RENT A HOME TO HIM BECAUSE THEY FELT THAT THE CHILDREN WOULD DESTROY THE PLACE.

HE COULDN'T SAY HE HAD NO CHILDREN BECAUSE HE COULDN'T LIE (AS WE ALL KNOW, LAWYERS CANNOT, AND DO NOT LIE).

SO HE SENT HIS WIFE FOR A WALK TO THE CEMETERY WITH 11 OF THEIR KIDS.

HE TOOK THE REMAINING ONE WITH HIM TO SEE RENTAL HOMES WITH THE REAL ESTATE AGENT.

HE LOVED ONE OF THE HOMES AND THE PRICE WAS RIGHT.

THE AGENT ASKED:"HOW MANY CHILDREN DO YOU HAVE?"

HE ANSWERED: "TWELVE."

THE AGENT ASKED, "WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?"

THE LAWYER, WITH HIS BEST COURTROOM SAD LOOK, ANSWERED, "THEY'RE IN THE CEMETERY WITH THEIR MOTHER."

MORAL: IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO LIE; ONE HAS ONLY TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT WORDS. DON'T FORGET - MOST POLITICIANS ARE LAWYERS.
 

stevent222

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A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some
horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that
is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground
after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the
bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons
and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,
it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand
trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the
hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed
and said, "You missed the @#$%^& putt, didn't you?"
 

stevent222

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While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
 

stevent222

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As he fiddled with his high school class ring, the one he got after graduating in 2000, my son Aaron asked,

"Mom, I've been wondering. What were you and dad thinking when you gave me the initials ACH?"

"Nothing," I answered back. "Why?"

He showed me the inscription in his ring. It read: "ACH 00"
 

stevent222

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The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously waiting to play on it.

After several hours of reading the directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had the set completely assembled.

It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even reading instructions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."
 

stevent222

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John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say, 'well done'?"

"Oh, thank you, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
 

stevent222

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A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought "The Almighty" had given him two feet.

Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."
 

stevent222

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When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate.

"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
 

stevent222

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Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.

She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What?" he asked. "Again?
 

brilor

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I know Henry VIII had 6 wives - There was Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Anne of Cleves, Catherine Howard, Catherine Parr but I can't for the life of me remember the surname of the one called Jane....See More
 
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