Groaner thread (please add)

stevent222

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A Jewish woman goes to see her rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”
The wise old rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.
 

stevent222

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My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family.” I said, “Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”
 

stevent222

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Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. “Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man’s mistakes?”
“No Morris, a man should not profit from another man’s mistakes,” answered the rabbi.
“Are you sure Rabbi?”
“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive,” exclaimed the rabbi.
“OK, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife?”
 

stevent222

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The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty.. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
 

stevent222

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A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the shul arranged for you.”
The rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the president of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.”
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not mad with you.”
 

stevent222

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I don't enjoy computer jokes; not one bit .

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now

.When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time .

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a
Type O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period .

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations .

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist .

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus .

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro ” what a rip off!"

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy .

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
 
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jrwwwww

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Sep 4, 2019
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126
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you’re thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like you’re thinking."
 
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