Groaner thread (please add)

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
207,496
So I popped into Sainsbury’s on the way home asked them if I could pay by card.
‘What card do you have?’ she asked.
Three of Clubs is apparently not an answer.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
359,534
How To Fire An Employee




All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office,
one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four
Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:
"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!"
Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"

"You'd swear to that...?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime,
anywhere..." insisted Ted.




"Good. Then YOU fire her."
 
Last edited by a moderator:

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
359,534
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him. Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."
 

jrwwwww

Active member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
148
A scene at City Hall in San Francisco



"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."



"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples. The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right. Next."



"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"Names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
207,496
😳 , You will not believe what I witnessed today. I was at the Tesco petrol station to get some fuel and something to eat. As I was walked in the door, I noticed the polis parked on the side of the building, watching this man who was smoking a fag while pumping his petrol. I know, what a complete Knob. Anyway, I go inside, to pay for the fuel and get my food, and as the cashier gives me my change I hear someone screaming. I look out the window and see this man's arm is on fire. He was swinging his arm and running around like a crazy man. I hurried outside and saw the policeman had the guy on the ground and was putting the fire out with his coffee. Then he proceeded to handcuff him and put him in the back of his car. I thought to myself, "How stupid are you to smoke while pumping petrol ?!?!". Did he really think nothing was going to happen?!?! Being the nosey bastard I am, I asked the policeman what he was charging him with. He looked me dead in the face, and said, "waving a firearm!"
 

jrwwwww

Active member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
148
My neighbor. She's single & she's shapely. She's beautiful and she lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said,"I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great" she said. " Can you watch my dog?"
 

jrwwwww

Active member
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
148
George III, Adolf Hitler and Napoleon are sitting at a bar, watching a huge North Korean military parade on the CNN.

Impressed by the modern technology, Mad King George said - "If I’d had mechanised infantry like that I'd have smashed the Americans in the War of Independence."

Hitler sighed - "And if I’d had missiles like those the Soviets wouldn't have stood a chance at Stalingrad."

Napoleon leaned forward and said - "And if I had a propaganda machine like the CNN nobody would have ever found out about the Battle of Waterloo."
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
359,534
IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.


The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.


A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

‘Look Paddy ... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'
 
Top