Groaner thread (please add)

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
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stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
369,727

"You Will Walk Today”


When I heard Reverend Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Memphis church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.

I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today.”

I told him I was not paralyzed.

Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today.”

Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me

After the sermon, I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my car had been stolen.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
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Messages
369,727
My husband, sons, and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks walked by.

When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment."

"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said and jokingly suggested, "A Ford Focus?"

"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.

The monks got into a Pathfinder.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
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Messages
369,727
Homer and Daisy

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'.

In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their 'nooner', because it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office.

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Daisy'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home agin."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started
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stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
369,727
Church Squirrels

There were five place of worship
in a small town: The Presbyterian
Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, the Catholic
Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.
Each church overran with pesky
squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church
called a meeting to decide what to
do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they
determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's
divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels
had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided
to put a cover on the baptistery and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels
escaped somehow and there were twice as
many there next week.

The Methodist Church got together and
decided that they were not in a position
to harm any of God's creatures. So, they
humanely trapped the squirrels and set
them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Catholic Church came up with the
best and most effective solution. They
baptized the squirrels and registered them
as members of the church. Now they only see
them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish
Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and
had a short service with him called
circumcision and they haven't seen a
squirrel on the property since.
__________________
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
369,727
One Feisty Old Broad
Sunday Sermon Lesson



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke..
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive..

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
 
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