Groaner thread (please add)

jrwwwww

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True Story of a Full Moon.



When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
 

jrwwwww

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
 

jrwwwww

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An elderly golfer accidentally overturned his electric golf cart.



A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"



"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.



She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." Richard took notice her silky bathrobe

revealing a very nice figure.



"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."



"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.



She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.



The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and headed to her place.



After a couple of Manhattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now.

But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."



"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile.

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"
 

jrwwwww

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Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb on a web forum?



1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.

6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.

22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jackasses.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.

249 to post meme's and gif's.

19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.

11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.

16 to post 'Following' or 'tagged for interest'.

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

7 to ask if the brands of light bulbs used are worth the money.

19 to tell them that if they like the light bulbs, buy them.

5 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.

15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's.

13 to comment "Me too".

5 to post to the page that they will no longer post or are leaving because they cannot handle the [beeep] light bulb controversy.

6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said '[beeep]'.

22 to ask if there is a flounce in progress.

349 to post flounce memes.

4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".

13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".

1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb.

4 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.

5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.

1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
 

stevent222

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I've always wondered if chickens communicated using foul language. Maybe only when they're egg cited.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn’t think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

My wife claims I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met. I’m not buying it.

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow has only 16. The difference between a raven and a crow is just a matter of a pinion.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps. He gave me a blank stair.
 

stevent222

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WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?


• Venison for dinner again? Oh dear!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typ O.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
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Messages
369,727
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision? Suture self.

- My friend lives along the American / Mexican border and takes anti-anxiety medication. It's for Hispanic attacks.

- To the dwarf that stole my anti-depressant medication - I hope you're happy now.

- My roommate just told me, "I can't remember whether I took my anti-anxiety medication or not." I asked, "Do you feel stressed out about it?"

- Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication? Because anti-acid would ruin the trip.

- They said that schizophrenia is an illness and I should take medication. But look who's over here not lonely during the quarantine!

- What happens when you leave your ADHD medication in your Ford Fiesta? It turns into a Ford Focus.

- I got my sleeping pills mixed up with my cat's medication the other day .... just don't ask me-ow.

- My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things! It's a 'joint' account.

- Whoever said, "Laughter is the best medicine," obviously never had diarrhea.

- There are 3 farmers, let's call them A, B, and C. Which one is the best with medicine? Farmer C.

- Two twins both studied medicine in college. When they graduated they became a pair-a-medics

- Revolutionary medicine that cures Lyme Disease, but causes Tourette's . now that's gonna cause a lot of nervous tics.

- I was at a small hotel in Madrid, feeling a bit sick, they surprisingly had a doctor there who had some over the counter medicine handy, I asked how a hotel this small had a doctor available. He said, "Quite a shame, nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

- When was medicine first mentioned in the Bible? When God presented Moses with two tablets.

- When a doctor prescribes you medicine and bed rest, is that considered aiding and abedding?

- My wife went upstairs to get some medicine. I think she's coming down with something.

- I stopped taking tranquilizers. I was starting to be nice to people I didn't even want to talk to.

- We used to take life with a grain of salt.. Now it is with 5 milligrams of Valium.

- America the land of 6 lane highways, one-way streets, and 4-way cold tablets.

- The new drugs are so exciting I feel like I'm missing something by being in good health.
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
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Messages
369,727
DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE CALIFORNIA STYLE

This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery.
 
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