There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo
I know the Brits will get this... not sure about other nationalities:
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid.
"Mais Certainement monsieur," says John-Baptiste the smarmy waiter. "Would you laahk to choose your squeed from ze tank over there?"
"I'll have that little green one with the moustache." says the customer.
"Mais Non!" Exclaims the waiter. "But he's the Chef's Favvoreet! 'E eez so small an' cute and friendlee. Surely Monsuier would prefer one ze the bigger, tastier ones non?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one."
So the waiter gets the little green squid out and takes him to the chef - Jervaise - who puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a cute fluffy smile!
"It's no good," says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed."
Enter Hans: A massive bastard with tattoos all over his bare arms. Grunting, he takes the knife and pins down the wriggling squid while Jervaise bawls his eyes out in the corner of the kitchen.
Hans raises the knife to chop the little squid's head off and... once again the cute little squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little tentacles and twitching his little 'tache. So Hans too finds it impossible to kill him.
Eventually the waiter is forced to go out to the customer and explain why he can't have that particular squid...
Well you see Monsuieur...
Ze Hans that does ze dishes is as soft as Jervaise with ze mild-green furry-lip squid.
the teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something. The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Little Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart / lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH! !!'"*
A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, “I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.”
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in, out came a card that read, “You are a nun, you weigh 128lbs, and you are going to Chicago.”
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in, and out came a card that read: “You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The nun says to herself, “I know that is wrong, I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.” She sat back down.
From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, “This is incredible, I've got to try this again.”
Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, “You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs , you are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind.” Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, “I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.”
Getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind. Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.” She went back to the machine, put in another nickel and another card came out.
It read, “You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.”
[QUOTE="konifur2, post: 2802199]ok that`s a groaner but me thinks i can do better.....
A local monastery was going bankrupt. The abbot didn't know what to do. The brothers had a meeting, and decided to open a great Olde English Fish-N'-Chips stand. One day, a man knocked on the door. After one of the brothers answered the door, the man asked, "May I have just an order of fries?"
Brother Tito said, "Hold on a moment. I'm the fish friar. You want the chip monk.[/quote]
Oh Lord!! groan on this ....................
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body
because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt
was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The
husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honor their secret. After all, this was a very
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just
went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along.
While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!"
What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. ...Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch!
Sir, I was referring to the dog!.. Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!