Groaner thread (please add)

Kryten

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A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "from way back there I thought you said Goats."
 

Kryten

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Confucius Say
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all
Confucius Say
A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."
Confucius Say
Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.
Confucius Say
Well done is better than well said.
Confucius Say
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
Confucius Say
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called "Manhatten".
Confucius Say
Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.
Confucius Say
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Confucius Say
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Confucius Say
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.
 

Kryten

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A small boy got lost at a shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."
 

Kryten

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I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven"? Again, they all answered "NO"! I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A six year-old boy shouted out: "YU'V GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!"
 

Kryten

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College professors describe a kiss:

COMPUTER SCIENCE
"A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte."

ALGEBRA
"A kiss is two divided by nothing."

PHYSICS
"A kiss is a contraction of the mouth due to an expansion of the heart."

CHEMISTRY
"A kiss is the reaction resulting from the interaction between two hearts."

ACCOUNTING
"A kiss must be considered an investment that is profitable when returned."

ECONOMICS
"A kiss is one of those things for which the demand is always higher than the supply."

PHILOSOPHY
"A kiss is persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth, and homage for the old."

THEOLOGY
"A kiss is divine."

EARTH SCIENCES
"A kiss is a clean, green, renewable energy resource that works best when recycled often."

PHARMACOLOGY
"A kiss is an oral stimulant taken by mouth that can often cure what ails you."

LAW
"A kiss is when the party of the first part and the party of the second part have reached a mutually beneficial understanding that two (2) pair of lips shall co-exist in, for all practical purposes, the same space and time for a temporary period."

POLITICAL SCIENCE
"A kiss is that which will cost your career if experienced with anyone other than your spouse."

ENGINEERING
"I'm sorry. I'm not familiar with that word."
 

Kryten

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SCIENCE: BREAD IS DANGEROUS

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.

10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe...and inexpensive, too.
 

Kryten

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A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic.
Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
 

Kryten

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Q: Why is a gay at an orgy like a turkey?
A: He'll gobble, gobble, gobble 'till you cut off his head.
 

Zombocalypse

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Apologies if it's been done already! (I did search but didn't find anything!)

A guy staggers out of a pub drunk out of his skull.
He spies a nun walking along the road toward him.
With a snarl he leaps at her, punching her in the face.
She goes down like a sack of bricks, completely shocked and horrified at the unprovoked attack.
She starts to clamber to her feet when the drunk grabs her by her habit and throws her over his shoulders in a drunken body slam.
She's sobbing in fear and thinking, "Oh lord! Please save me. What did I do to deserve this, Help me!"
Just as she's starts crawling away in a panic the drunk grabs her by her foot, yanks her back and elbow drops right on to her head.
She's laying under the sweaty drunks body weight preparing herself for more beatings and possibly death, crying and begging for mercy.
The drunk stands, grabs her by the habit and pulls her to her feet.
He slams her up against the pub wall, leans in real close and with a snarl he says, "Not so bloody tough tonight are we, Batman?"
 

konifur

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If that was my old nun on the bus, she would of kicked him all over and fucked his brains out.
 

brilor

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[QUOTE="konifur, post: 3914564]If that was my old nun on the bus, she would of kicked him all over and fucked his brains out.[/QUOTE]

Like she did to you?
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 3914928]Like she did to you?[/QUOTE]

Only the first time i met her, after that i let her shag me without any fuss.
 

Kryten

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A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.

They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.

"Mr Wilson" says the man, "I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000.

I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?"

Smugly the bank manager replies, "In banking, one should never assume Sir.

I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks."

"Here's the deal." says the man, leaning forward.

"No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want.
And she is very.. adventurous."

Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered.

After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork.

He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o'clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor.

He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.

"Mr Wilson" she purrs. "Have you got the money?"

The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.

She smiles. "Then come in."

He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock.

Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie.

At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.

The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.

"What's this?!" stutters the bank manager.



"My wife" says the man. "In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume."
 

Kryten

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The English teacher of the girls school used to fail all her students who did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences. I guess she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.
 

Kryten

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A man goes to his doctor for a check-up. Half way through, the doctor tells him to take down his trousers. The doctor pulls forward his pants and stands back in surprise, as there is a squirrel in a chauffeur's uniform and little hat.

The doctor, in disbelief, looks again; and, sure enough, there is a squirrel, but he is dressed as a chauffeur. "Did you know you have got a squirrel dressed as a chauffeur down your pants?" asks the doctor.

"Yes," says the man, "and he's driving me nuts."
 

Kryten

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Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a f....n' towel!
 

Kryten

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The Fart Chart


1.. AMBITIOUS : Always ready for a fart

2.. AMIABLE : Likes to smell others' farts

3.. ANTI-SOCIAL : Excuses himself and farts in private

4.. AQUATIC : Farts in bath, then breaks bubbles with toes

5.. ATHLETIC : Jumps in the air, farts 3 times, and kicks his heels 3 times

6.. BEWILDERED : Can't tell his own fart from others

7.. BIG BULLY : Farts louder than others

8.. CARELESS : Farts in church

9.. CHILDISH : Farts and then giggles

10.. CLEVER : Farts and coughs at the same time

11.. CONCEITED : Thinks he can fart the loudest

12.. CONFUSED : Face is so much like an ass, fart can't tell which way to go

13.. CUTE : Smells your farts and then tells you what you were eating

14.. DAMNED MEAN : Farts and then pulls the covers over his wife's head

15.. DISHONEST : Farts and then blames the dog

16.. DISAPPOINTED : Fart doesn't smell

17.. DUMB : Enjoys other farts, thinks they are his own

18.. ENVIRONMENTALIST : Farts regularly but is concerned about the pollution

19.. FOOLISH : Suppresses a fart for hours

20.. FRESH GUY : Jumps in front of you and then farts

21.. GROUCH : Grumbles when ladies fart

22.. HONEST : Admits he farted but offers a good medical reason

23.. IMPUDENT : Farts out aloud and then laughs

24.. LAZY : Just fizzles

25.. MASOCHIST : Farts in the bath tub and tries to bite the bubbles

26.. MISERABLE : Can't fart at all

27.. MUSICAL : Tenor or Bass, Clear as a bell, smells like shit and sounds like hell

28.. NERVOUS : Stops in the middle of a fart

29.. PROUD : Thinks his farts are exceptionally pleasant

30.. SADIST : Farts in bed, then fluffs the covers

31.. SCIENTIFIC : Bottles his farts

32.. SENSITIVE : Farts and then starts crying

33.. SHY : Blushes when he farts silently

34.. SLOB : Farts and stains his underwear

35.. SMART ALEC : Farts when ladies are present

36.. SNEAKY : Farts and blames it on the dog

37.. STINGY : Belches to save his ass-hole

38.. STRATEGIC : Conceals his fart by loud laughter

39.. THRIFTY : One who always has farts in reserve

40.. TIMID : Jumps when he farts

41.. UNFORTUNATE : Tries to fart but shits himself

42.. VAIN PERSON : One who loves the smell of his own fart

43.. WHIMPY : Farts at the slightest exertion

44.. WISE GUY : Farts and asks who shit
 

Kryten

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Confucius Say
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.

Confucius Say
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic

Confucius Say
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

Confucius Say
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.

Confucius Say
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.

Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

Confucius Say
Virgin like balloon...one prick, all gone.

Confucius Say
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Confucius Say
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
 

Kryten

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Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It
is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

Next!'
 

Kryten

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At the brothel, the man made a joke about each potential bed mate in turn until one slapped him in the face. "I'd like her," he said to the Madam. "What on Earth was that all about?" she asked. "Well, it's the only piece of advice my father gave me. He said, 'Screw 'em if they can't take a joke.'"
 
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