Mackem jokes

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2838549]And she'll tip your ashes into her hand, blow them off and say, "Well I finally gave you that BJ":tounge2:[/quote]

my wife likes to be shagged in her ear.well every time i go to put my willy in her mouth she turns her head to one side.:devil:
 

brilor

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Mackem at a management seminar says:

"I like them cos they make my breath fresh"

There’s stunned silence then someone shouts:

"Tactics you thick twat!!!"
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2838842]So that isn't wax n her ears aft er all?[/quote]

no it`s not brilor, poor lass has been concipated for a two weeks.it`s like doing anal at the moment.:devil::laugh:
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2838845]Mackem at a management seminar says:

"I like them cos they make my breath fresh"

There’s stunned silence then someone shouts:

"Tactics you thick twat!!!"[/quote]

:laugh::laugh::laugh: ROFPML. NICE ONE BRILOR:laugh::laugh::laugh:
 

brilor

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A young girl from Mackemland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat..

Fucksake Bonnielass " says her mother. "This a lovely soft coat yer wearing and" it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"
Bonnielass replies, " I won it at the bingo. Don’t they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend’s over, Bonnielass returns to the bright lights, but she’s back to visit her mom a few months later. This
time, when she steps out of the taxi, she’s wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom . . . same, "Won it at bingo!"

Bonnielass returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she’s back. This time she’s sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Bonnielass gets to the washroom, there’s only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub, a wee bit peeved at her Ma being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Ma! Sure now, didn’t I ask you to run me a bath? There’s only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indeed there is Bonnielass," replies her Ma. "But we don’t want you getting" yer bingo card wet now, do we?" :tounge2:
 

brilor

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Why aren’t there any Scousers on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
 

brilor

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A Question of Conscience!

I am a sailor in the NewZealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Sunderland, England.

My Father and Mother have recently been charged for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Mackem? :)
 

brilor

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A guy in a pink shirt minces into a gay bar and looks around weighing up the talent.

He spots a well built scouser having a quiet drink at the bar, sidles up to him, nudges him gently and whispers "Can I take you into the gents and give a blow job ?"

The Mackem spins round, punches him in the nose, kicks him in the bollucks, picks him up and throws him through the bar window.

"Bloody hell Mackem" says the barman, "What was all that about?"

"I dunno - he said something about a job!"
 

brilor

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A Mackem walked into the local DSS office, marched straight up to the counter and said "I’m lookin" for a job.".

The man behind the counter replied
"Your timing is amazing. We’ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be provided and once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary is £30,000 a year.".

The Mackem said "Nah, you’re bullshittin" me!".

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it !".
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2838863]A Question of Conscience!

I am a sailor in the NewZealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters,who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Sunderland, England.

My Father and Mother have recently been charged for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt.Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Mackem? :)[/quote]

Say nowt bonni lad if they find oot that, there will be hell to pay.
 

brilor

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Mackem walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
"Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I’ll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the mackem "If ten doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one wont help."
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2839638]Mackem walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"
So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.
"Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?".
"My first blow job" replies the man.
"Oh well" says the barman "for that I’ll buy you one myself."
"No thanks" says the mackem "If ten doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one wont help."[/quote]

i knew i should of never have swallowed.:angry:
 

brilor

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Mrs Mackem had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!" :laugh:
 

brilor

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Auntie Mackem was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off her dew on a rose. Uncle Mackem came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.

"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"

The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again.":tounge2:
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2841213]Auntie Mackem was in the garden tending to her flowers when she got the urge to pee. So she did and wiped off her dew on a rose. Uncle Mackem came along later, picked up the rose, sniffed it, then ran to phone the newspaper editor.

"I found a rose that smells like a woman's you-know-what!"

The editor said, "That's nothing. When you find a you-know-what that smells like a rose, call me again.":tounge2:[/quote]

:laugh::laugh::laugh:a mackem lass would never, " wipe off her dew " a mackem lass would just " shake her piss flaps":tounge2::tounge2::tounge2:
 

brilor

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[QUOTE="konifur2, post: 2841215]:laugh::laugh::laugh:a mackem lass would never, " wipe off her dew " a mackem lass would just " shake her piss flaps":tounge2::tounge2::tounge2:[/quote]


Or shave her oxters eh?
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2841659]Or shave her oxters eh?[/quote]

what a posh mackem lass (that a southern girl/german girl,lol. married to a mackem) does is pull some nose hair out and re-plants it on her beef curtains so if there is any drops left over she just SNIFFS sharply.:devil::tounge2:
 

brilor

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[QUOTE="konifur2, post: 2843370]what a posh mackem lass (that a southern girl/german girl,lol. married to a mackem) does is pull some nose hair out and re-plants it on her beef curtains so if there is any drops left over she just SNIFFS sharply.:devil::tounge2:[/quote]

I believe you!:laugh:
 

konifur

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 2843446]I believe you!:laugh:[/quote]

i`m sure your nose hair is the same hair as you bum hair, a long one going from one end to the other...well i pulled a bum hair out while degling-oning and it made my eyes water.:laugh::sarcasm:
 
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