Marriage Jokes

mytime

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Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
 

mytime

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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex.
 

mytime

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My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.' He was right! When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.He couldn't get back in.
 

mytime

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Annie and Sam were on the brink of divorce, so they went to visit a marriage counselor.
The counsellor asked Annie about the problem.
She responded, "Sam suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counselor turned to Sam and inquired, "Is that true?"
Sam replied, "Well, not exactly. She's the one that suffers, not me."
 

mytime

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Scene: A conversation between two friends.

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife.
 

mytime

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A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received.
"You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."
 

mytime

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Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?"
Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."
 

mytime

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Two guys are at the bar staring into their drinks, when one says, "Hey Harry, have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?"

Harry says, "Yeah, all the time--her own and mine."
 

mytime

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In a marriage there are 3 types of rings:
the engagement ring
the wedding ring
and the suffeRing.
 

mytime

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Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
 

mytime

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When I got married I hoped to treat my wife like a sex object.

Little did I realize it would be every time I asked for sex she would object.
 

mytime

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An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
 

mytime

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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
 

mytime

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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
 

mytime

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On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration. "I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in South Carolina.

(YOU KNOW she set him up don't you?)
 

mytime

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I'm not saying that my wife was naive when we got married, but... she thought "kinky sex" involved her wearing hair curlers to bed.
 

mytime

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Bloke asks his wife what she wants for her birthday. She says,"A Divorce."

He says, "OH!, I wasn't thinking of spending that much"
 

mytime

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A young, pregnant newlywed was visiting her doctor for a maternity checkup.

The doctor checked her out and knowing this was her first child asked her if she had any questions.

The young woman blushed and said, "...er...Doctor, my husband wanted to know...ah...how long I can continue to ah...er..."

"Now, now," said the doctor in reassuring tones. "I know what you are asking. You can continue to have sex with your husband until the third trimester."

"Oh no, Doctor. That's not what my husband wanted to know. He wanted to know how much longer I could mow the lawn."
 

mytime

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT! "

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
 

mytime

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A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "C. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me.

Passenger: "Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."
 
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