Marriage Jokes

mytime

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I have just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes my wife look like she's moving during sex.
 

mytime

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To spice up our sex life I proposed role-playing to my wife and she accepted, so yesterday I walked into the bedroom and announced, "Hi, I'm the hunky garden boy. Are you the lady who needs help with her bush?"

She replied, "Actually, I need help with the lawn. Go outside and mow it."

"What?"

"Go and mow the lawn," she repeated. "You haven't mowed in two weeks, you lazy bum!"

I think we'll need to work harder on the finer points of role-playing, but in the meanwhile I am not going to present myself as the hunky pool-cleaning boy, or the hunky handyman!
 

mytime

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Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked
 

mytime

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If Love is Blind and Marriage is an Institution, then Marriage is an Institution for the Blind.
 

mytime

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My husband said if I went shopping again, he’d leave me.

WHY didn’t somebody tell me it was that easy?!
 

mytime

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The opinions expressed by the husband in this house are not necessarily those of the management.
 

mytime

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My wife and I have an agreement.
I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
 

mytime

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Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
 

mytime

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It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
 

mytime

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True event from my second marriage......

We were together with some friends and as normal I told some jokes, one of the ladies that was there turned to my wife and said:
"Your husband knows so many many jokes; Do you know any?"
My wife turned to her an replied "Just one and I married him."
 

mytime

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You know how some men complain about how their wife's cooking is?
Well, I'm not one of them because she doesn't cook.
 

mytime

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With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

"Would you like to have a new mink coat?" Ron asks.

"No, not really," Sylvia responds.

"Well, how about a new Porsche?" asks Ron.

"No, thanks," Sylvia replies.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" Ron suggests.

"No," says Sylvia.

"Well, what would you like for your anniversary?" Ron asks.

"I'd like a divorce, Ron," answers Sylvia.

"Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much," replies Ron.
 

mytime

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My wife and I are inseparable.

In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.
 

mytime

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A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
 

mytime

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What's the last thing you hear before you have your spine and both testicles removed?

I now pronounce you man & wife.
 

mytime

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An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral, the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

About two months later, a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello, there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave, and we just think that's so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to piss on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
 

mytime

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Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he asked, "Are those potato chips?"
 

mytime

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The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
 

mytime

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Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older.
The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife -- she's healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
 

mytime

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9 out of 10 Husbands agreed that their wives are always right.
The 10th one hasn't been seen since the study was conducted.
 
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