Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the dog!'
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and the guy drinks it. He reaches into his shirt pocket and looks at what seems to be a smell piece of paper, then orders another beer. The bartender gives him another, the guy looks into his shirt pocket, and orders a third beer. This goes on for a few more rounds. The bartender says "Look buddy, I'll serve you all night as long as you have the money, but I'm curious, why do you keep looking in your pocket before ordering?" The guy says "Oh, that's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good, I know it's time to go home."
A man and his wife were getting ready to go out and celebrate their 20th anniversary. The wife said "Just think 20 years ago my daddy, the judge, caught us in the back seat of your car and said if you didn't marry me he would see that you would get 20 years in prison." She heard a small sob coming from her husband and, thinking he was getting all sentimental, asked him what he was feeling. He said "I'd just be getting out by now."