Marriage Jokes

konifur

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01Aladdin

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All the typoes of sex:


The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Including the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you’ve got to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the court.
 

brilor

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My wife was sitting in the porch when I got home.

"I forgot my front door key this morning." She explained.

"Why didn't you use the spare key hidden in the greenhouse?" I asked.

"Do I look stupid?" She replied. "That only fits the back door, you idiot."


 

brilor

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Back in the 70s I had a Goblin Teasmaid in my bedroom.

Now she just snores and farts.


 

brilor

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"Can I ask you a question, as a woman?" I asked my wife.

"Of course dear," she replied.

"Thanks love - does this dress make me look fat?"


 

brilor

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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken'. She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the dog!'
 

Istvan

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did you know that there is a food that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac, it's called Wedding Cake
 

Istvan

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you know I don't think that my first marriage was legal, I found out later that the shot-gun wasn't loaded
 

konifur

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I pointed the gun in my wife’s face I said,

“Any last words?”

Three hours later, I shot her.

NOTE: This is just a joke my wife is still alive and nagging.
 

squirt

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I pointed the gun in my wife’s face I said,

“Any last words?”

Three hours later, I shot her.

NOTE: This is just a joke my wife is still alive and nagging.
you should be careful ... she fixes your dinner ... ^ see above post ^ lol
 

konifur

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Nope like i said i`m the chef, but i`m no good at cooking pies or cakes...But then again neither can Anne
 

tasman

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender serves him and the guy drinks it. He reaches into his shirt pocket and looks at what seems to be a smell piece of paper, then orders another beer. The bartender gives him another, the guy looks into his shirt pocket, and orders a third beer. This goes on for a few more rounds. The bartender says "Look buddy, I'll serve you all night as long as you have the money, but I'm curious, why do you keep looking in your pocket before ordering?" The guy says "Oh, that's a picture of my wife. When she starts looking good, I know it's time to go home."
 

tasman

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A man and his wife were getting ready to go out and celebrate their 20th anniversary. The wife said "Just think 20 years ago my daddy, the judge, caught us in the back seat of your car and said if you didn't marry me he would see that you would get 20 years in prison." She heard a small sob coming from her husband and, thinking he was getting all sentimental, asked him what he was feeling. He said "I'd just be getting out by now."
 
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