Memo To Employees.......

LAWRENCE

Senior Member
Joined
May 16, 2004
Messages
8,339
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to
come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach
of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases,
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work
is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least
two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

REST ROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the
future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.

For instance, those employees whose names begin with 'A' will go
from 8:00 to 8:10; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go
from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on.

If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme
emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:

The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount

Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax
$11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural
tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $2.22
Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $3.46 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health
insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental
$16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union
don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83 Eastern Time $9.00 Central Time $8.00 Mountain
Time $7.00 Pacific Time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water
$16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous
$113.29 Sundry $12.09 Various $8.01 Net Take Home $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide
a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,
irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed
elsewhere.

Have a nice week.


 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
Joined
Apr 3, 2006
Messages
374,526
Only trouble is this sounds about right.
 

squirt

Administrator
Joined
May 5, 2004
Messages
832,303
this is one of those RARE instances where I'm glad I don't have a job lol :hehe:
 
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