Men and Women

squirt

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[QUOTE="Crudebug, post: 3780571]then u’d be a kinky slut who analyses the rationality of being spontaneous creative..[/QUOTE]

eating corn doesn't require that much thought lol :neener:
 

Kryten

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT 'WOMEN' AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
'BREASTED AMERICAN'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
'LOW COST PROVIDER'
 

Kryten

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

(Loved that one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' showing when he stoops or bends over - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'
 

Kryten

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Who said men don't have a sensitive side? - - - A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she can't help but notice the soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears in his bedroom!
There are three shelves with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering an entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for a young bloke to have such a large a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. All the while thinking to herself, "Oh my! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could father my children!"
She turns to him. They kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion, the woman rolls over, strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 

Kryten

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Adam and Eve

A little girl asked her mother,
"How did the human race start?"
The mother answered,
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
"Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered,

"Well, dear, it is very simple.

I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
 

squirt

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Mark meets up with a friend on the street, and the friend can tell Mark is really pissed. He asks him what the matter is. Mark replies, "The people at Victorias Secret are SO rude. There I am in their store and I'm trying to buy some panties for my lady, and I'm picking some out ... and the manager asks me to leave!! All I was trying to do was decide which ones I liked. So - I took the panties out of my mouth and took my business elsewhere!"
 

squirt

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It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"
 

Kryten

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Men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.
3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.
4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.
5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
with others.
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If
the women leaves them.
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes
and still try their luck with others.

***************
Women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive
clothes.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to
wear.
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress
beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An
old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect
you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't
believe you
***************
 

Kryten

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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually
mean...)


10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend
(who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar
system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women


1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male
perspective thing)
 

Kryten

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A survey found that 58% people want to have sex more than 7 times a week.

But the figure dropped drastically to 3% when the words "with wife" were added.
 

Kryten

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Moanin' Mike is sitting in his local bar with his buddies, sharing a beer and bragging about his sex life. Moanin' says, "I have great sex with my wife. She's very vocal, she can really rattle the windows, and most of it really turns me on. I love it when she screams, 'Harder!' I love it when she screams, 'Faster!'"
"Man, you lucky dog," says his one buddy. "But come on and tell the truth, isn't there sometimes a problem with your sex life?"
"The only problem I have," Moanin' said dejectedly, "is when she screams, 'Deeper!'"
 

Kryten

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When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" I asked.
"Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," I said. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"
 

Kryten

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At the nursery, the sales clerk said,
"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We don't
carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted geranium?"
"No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my wife
told me to water while she was gone."
 

Kryten

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a clean house is a sign of a broken PC....
[jimg]hvc7/z3/N/J/l/d/a.aaa.gif[/jimg]
 

Kryten

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Messages
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Whiskey + beer= Thumping headache!
( headache is my wife's pet name )
 
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