Men and Women

Kryten

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The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one.
 

Kryten

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On our anniversary each year I like to reflect with my wife on how much we've grown as a couple.

However I can't say the same of my wife's cooking skills; for breakfast every anniversary she invariably serves us each half a grapefruit.
 

Kryten

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Where exactly IS the skill in female demolition derby?
 

Kryten

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There's a dodgy dealer in our area who's responsible for several deaths recently.

He's been selling cars to women.
 

Kryten

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My wife said she wanted to do something new for her Birthday, something that she'd only be able to do once in a life time.

So I booked her a Driving Experience.
 

Kryten

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I cooked my new girlfriend a meal last night. As I was serving the curry I'd made, she said, "Didn't I tell you? I don't eat meat. Is there a vegetarian option?"

I said, "Yeah, don't eat the fucking chicken."
 

Kryten

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Women are just like cartons of orange juice.

It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is - it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!
 

Kryten

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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'
 

Kryten

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After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
</SPAN></SPAN>
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"</SPAN> </SPAN>
 

squirt

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records speak for themselves lol hubby's wrecked *a lot* more cars and caused much more damage to the car in his wrecks than I have! lol :driving:
:neener:[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]
 

Kryten

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[QUOTE="squirt, post: 3790815]records speak for themselves lol hubby's wrecked *a lot* more cars and caused much more damage to the car in his wrecks than I have! lol
[/QUOTE]

:driving:"You know", I said to my wife, "sometimes two rights can make a wrong."


"What on earth are you talking about?" she asked.

"Well you took two right turns and now you are in a field", I explained. :neener:
 

Kryten

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My Wife was hysterical when she rang me from work." Darling," she said, " I have some life changing news, I bought a scratchcard and have won 100,000 pounds a year for life, isn`t it fantastic."

"Shit," I said, "Bloody hell that`s brilliant, whatever you do though don`t drive home, I will pick you up."

"Are you sure babes, it`s 60 miles,"she said.

"No problem and besides, I have to pop into Halfords to pick up some new brake pipes.
 

Kryten

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I just came back from a business trip and I came through the front door

"Wow, that was hot" I said to my wife

"Well that's Africa for you!"

"No that wasnt her name" I replied
 

Kryten

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BIG FANCY DRESS PARTY FOR HALLOWEEN AT MINE THIS YEAR!!

I'm going as Luke Skywalker, got the robe, the belt, lightsaber and I've even made an R2D2.

The wife didnt fancy being princess Leia, so she's got this big fat suit, some disgusting make up and she's going to make her hair look a right state.

Apparently, "You can't dress up as your mum!" isn't a good response to "how does it look?"
 

Kryten

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If a woman puts her flaps all the way around her body:

would she look like a sugar puff?
 

Kryten

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1 week had gone by, suddenly there was a chilling knock on the door, all my worst nightmares had come true at once, There she was my wife of 10 years in a wooden box.
Can't believe this has happened to me again!


I fucking hate Ebay's return policy!
 

Kryten

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My wife came running in with a Halloween mask last night.

"Holy shit! You look absolutely fucking terrifying!" I screamed.

"But I haven't even got it on, Dave," she said.

"I know, hurry up and do so, the kids are shitting themselves!"
 

squirt

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From 1974 to 1976, a young man in Taiwan wrote 700 love letters to his girlfriend, trying to talk her into marriage.
He succeeded; she married the mailman who delivered the letters to her.
 
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