Men and Women

Kryten

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I walked into my wife's hospital treatment room today, where she was giving birth.

"Push, push," the midwife pleaded, bent over her.

"Oh my god!" I burst out. "You could fit a bus up there."

"The heads coming out Dave," my wife snapped. "What do you expect?"

"I meant the midwife," I replied. "She's got a fatter arse then you!"
 

Kryten

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The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes
love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the
most incredible positions." The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My
wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy,
"George how's your wife in bed?" George took a sip of his beer, then
replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess
player." "A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."
 

Kryten

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As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the
saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20% off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she
suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend?"
"No, my wife won't let me.
 

Kryten

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My wife comes up to me with a dreamy look in her eye and said, "Why don't we make love like they do in the movies?"

So I grabbed her, laid her on the kitchen table, ate her pussy, fucked her, stuck it in her mouth, turned her over, spanked her, stuck it in her ass, then came on her face.

Turns out we don't watch the same movies.
 

Kryten

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It had been a long day and it was starting to get dark so I thought I may as well get it over and done with. It was at that point I ask her those four special words.

"What's for dinner tonight?"
 

Kryten

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Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.
WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.
HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far
HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?
WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you
 

Kryten

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A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to
spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa
opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her
husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
 

squirt

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An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his "down the hatch" in one go.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's Bloody AWFUL!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And YOU thought I was out enjoying myself every night!"
 

Kryten

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The wife asked me to come back early from the pub last night and make sure im not too drunk so that we could indulge in a little Role Play....

I fucking hate Dungeons & Dragons.
 

Kryten

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A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, "What 20 Million American Women Want."

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. "Hey, what do you think you're doing?"

He calmly replied, "I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right."
 

Kryten

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I remember running to work and bumping into a woman because I wasn't taking any notice of were I was going.

To be honest I did feel a bit of a cunt.
 

Kryten

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My girlfriend came home to find me naked on the sofa, with two prostitutes, shitfaced from all the drugs and alcohol I'd had.

She burst into tears and shouted,

"For the last time, you are not going to the Halloween party as Charlie Sheen!"
 

Kryten

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I`ve decided to patch things up with my lover.

I bought a puncture repair kit.
 

Kryten

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Some days I really miss my beautiful wife and go home to her and tell her how wonderful she is.

Other days I'm not smoking crack.
 

Kryten

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I was in an Italian restaraunt with the wife and i asked her what she fancied on the menu?

She said i think il have the Pag`on.

I said thats page one you thick bitch.
 

Kryten

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Bought my wife some crotchless knickers for halloween, nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick
 

Kryten

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What's the difference between my penis and a spider?

The spider can make my girlfriend scream.
 

Kryten

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Women are a bit like fast cars

You'd drive your own with gentle care and appreciation but would screw them silly if they were someone else's.
 
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