Only the Irish have Jokes Like thse ....

smileyluvzu

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Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"T hat little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"W ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


****************************************************************************
**************** **************

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


****************************************************************************
*******************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."



****************************************************************************
********************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


****************************************************************************
*****************************

AND T HE BEST F OR L AST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

 

brilor

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw
it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we
all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in
the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but
I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."



"....I've given up the drink."
 

brilor

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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

====== PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a bag He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

====== PART THREE =======
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying another bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"
 

brilor

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In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. "Good mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant."They're called tees" replies Tiger. "Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
 

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[Note: Gay Byrne hosts the Irish WWTBAM)

Mick is appearing on the Irish Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
Gaybo: "Mick you've done very well so far - 500,000 and one life left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever Million if you get it right but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 32,000 - are you ready?"
Mick: "Sure I'll have a go"
Gaybo : "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Thrush!!!! Remember Mick its worth 1 Million."
Mick: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please Gay just to be sure?"
Gay: "Yes Mick who do you want to phone?"
Mick: "I'll phone Paddy back home in BallygoOn." (ringing)
Paddy: "Hello..."
Gay: "Hello Paddy its Gay Byrne here from who wants to be a millionaire - I have Mick here and he is doing really well on 500,000 but needs your help to get the Million. The next voice you hear will be Micks - he'll explain the question there are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer andd you have 30 seconds to answer - fire away Mick."
Mick: "Paddy Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???is its A--Robin B--Sparrow C--Cuckoo D--Trush!!!!
Paddy: "Jesus Mick thats simple.....Its a Cuckoo.
Mick: "You think?"
Paddy: "I'm sure."
Mick: "Thanks Paddy." (hangs up)
Gay: "Well do you want to stick on 500,000 or play on for first ever Million Mick?"
Mick: "I want to play, I'll go with C--Cuckoo
Gay: "Is that your final answer?"
Mick: "It is."
Gay: "Are you confident?"
Mick: "Yes fairly Paddy's a sound bet."
Gay: "Mick .....you had 500,000 and you said Cuckoo - You have just won 1 MILLION POUNDS. Here is your cheque you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Mick."

(clapping)

That night Mick calls round to Paddy and brings him down to the local to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Mick Turns to Paddy and ask's "Tell me Paddy!!!How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know fuck all about birds?????"

Paddy: "Listen Mick, everbody know that feckin Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!
 

brilor

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend the Scotsman, up ahead - with an even uglier woman.

When he asks what's going on, the Scotsman replies "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money." They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the Englishman, and Scotsman, and their two ugly women are walking along, minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend the Irishman up ahead.

This man is with an absolutely gorgeous blonde supermodel. Stunned, the Englishman, and Scotsman approach the man and discover it is their friend the Irishman. They ask him how it is he's with this unbelievable goddess, while they're stuck with these god-awful women.

The Irishman replies "I have no idea, but I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself "Fucking income tax"
 

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Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says to Murphy....

"I wonder how the women are getting on!"
 

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"What's it to be?", asks the barmaid.
"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi..................", says the Englishman.
Up steps the Irishman, "Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui......"
Up steps the Scotsman. "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th.............."

"Bugger this," says the barmaid and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", says the Englishman.
"Th th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi pints of of of of gui gui gui gui", says the Irishman.
"Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th", says the Scotsman.

"Look," says the barmaid, who loves a bet and was sure that no one would win. "If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll let you take me upstairs ". "So," she says turning to the Englishman, "where do you live?"

"M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live?" she asks.
"E E E E E Ed Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin."
"No, you lose," says the barmaid.
"And where do you live?" she asks the Irishman.
"London," says the Irishman.

"Oh bugger " thinks the barmaid as great cheer goes up in the pub. So she reluctantly takes the Irishman by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips off and spreads on bed. The Irishman climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at the climaxing stroke he suddenly screams out

"...............- D D D D D D D D Derry!!"
 

brilor

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How can you spot the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
 

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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.
 

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Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl!
The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately.

Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother! He's a bloody clueless ignoramus!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, 'Well, what's my daughter's name?"

'Denise," says the doctor. The new mother is totally relieved.

'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?"

'Denephew."
:tounge2:
 

squirt

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These two Irish boys, Paddy and Seamus, are dandering home from a night on the town when Paddy turns to Seamus and says "Seamus, look, it's a long walk home, why don't we steal a bus!?!"

"Feck, thats a grand idea, Paddy. Tell you what, I'll nip into the bus depot, and grab us a bus" replies Seamus

"Sure Seamus" counters Paddy. So off trots Seamus to steal a bus. Paddy stands at the gates of the depot, watching. After 15 minutes he wonders were the feck Seamus has got to. He turns round to see Seamus running to one bus, looking in the window and then running on to the next.

"What the bloody hell are you doing Seamus??" yells Paddy.

"Paddy, I cant find a route 109" shouts Seamus

"You stupid bloody eegit," bellows Paddy "just steal that 108 and we'll get off at the roundabout!"
 

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DUBLIN DOCTOR

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Excellent Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''



'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.



'I put drops in her eyes.'
 

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paddy and mick are in the dessert and have been lost from their army mates and havna eatn for 10 days,they have survived on the minimum of water
paddy says to mick look at that bush over there hanging with bacon
mick says, its a mirage but we will check it oot
paddy says right il go and see, you keep a look out,he gets to the bush and all of a sudden the taliban fire a hail of bullets at him,ffs mick its a hambush
 

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Paddy & Mick were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said
Paddy ,

'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,

And laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her

Pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'

And walked away.


Mick shook his head and laughed. ' Well now! Ain't that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'


 

brilor

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<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0cm;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0cm;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 100%;" width="100%"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt;" valign="top"> <table border="0" cellpadding="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td style="padding: 0.75pt; width: 100%;" valign="top" width="100%">One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing
his shirt, Shamus O'Leary noticed a Priest who stepped out onto the track
and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Low and behold, that horse -- a very long shot --- won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Shamus watched

with interest as the old Priest step onto the track again. Sure enough, as
the horses of the 5th race came to the starting gate the Priest made a
blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Shamus made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on

the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the
Priest had blessed won the race.

Shamus collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse

the Priest would bless for the 6th race.

The Priest again blessed a horse.

Shamus bet big on it this time, and it won. Shamus was ecstatic.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shot horses, and

each one ended up coming in first and Shamus was making a fortune.

By and by, Shamus was pulling in some incredibly serious money.

By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were coming true.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his life savings, and

awaited the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and

blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
Shamus also observed the Priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of
the old nag. Shamus knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned
on that old horse.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.

Shamus, in a state of absolute shock and disillusionment made his way

down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he
demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and
they all won!

Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now,

thanks to you I've lost every cent I've ever made plus all my savings
------- all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the

difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
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