Racist jokes

mazbut

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Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but you have to pry him off the sheep first.
A: Two – one to say “She ll be right mate” and one to fetch the beers.
A: 16. One to change the bulb and 15 to say “Good on yer, mate!”
 

mazbut

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An American, a Jew and a Canadian



An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. “Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So, of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.” “That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?” “Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!”
 

mazbut

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A Pakistani Man


An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of beer on the floor and walks out. American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.
 

konifur

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Went down this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.
She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
 

brilor

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I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today.

I only asked for a bomber jacket.

Touchy bastards!
 

konifur

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Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that? 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

4 immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Paddy and Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them.
"BOLLOCKS to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack: a bunk bed collapsed.
(The police are blaming AL-IKEA...)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 

konifur

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Paddy, was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire. Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help, and notices people trapped five stories up. Paddy yells to the people: 'I'm Patrick Sean Michael Fitzpatrick, the Irish Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you - I've only had 6 pints to drink all today!"


One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her. Then a man sees that Paddy catches the women and he jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him also. Then a black man jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him. Paddy looks up and yells: "Don't be throwin' out the burnt ones!"
 

konifur

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A missionary who spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and built things to be self sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock. "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock" The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the mist of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Ridding a Bike "

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching them the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood?

The chief replied, My bike...
 

brilor

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Chinese: "Me not come to work, me sick."

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Later chinese called back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"
 

brilor

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The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
 

brilor

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What do Ethiopians and Yoko Ono have in common?

They both live off dead Beatles.
 

brilor

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What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.
 

luckysowner

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[QUOTE="brilor, post: 3504426]What do you call an intelligent man in America?

A tourist.[/QUOTE]

hey thats not nice..true but not nice haha lol
 

TakinMyLyfeBack

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What do you call an arab playing polo?
A camel jockey! -Patrick

Why are arab football (soccer) teams so shitty?
Everytime they get a corner they open up a shop! -Chris n Josh



Why are camels the submarines of the desert?
They're full of Iraqi semen! -luke

What's the difference between an American girl and an arab girl?
American girls get stoned before they commit adultery.

When is the only time you can spit in a Persian womans face?
When her mustache is on fire! -joe


What do you call an arab standing between two buildings?
Ali! -Bob


What do you call a pretty Paki?
Asif! -Josh


Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?
You only have to teach them how to take off!
 

brilor

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A stark naked, drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London Cab rank.

The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on
staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman
before?"

"I'll not be staring at you, Lady. I am telling you, that would not be
proper, where I am coming from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady
keeping the money to be paying me with?"
 

TakinMyLyfeBack

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Why don't they teach Drivers Ed. and Sex Ed. on the same day in the middle east?
The camels would get too tired!
 

TakinMyLyfeBack

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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . we'll send you the video! It's hilarious!
 

TakinMyLyfeBack

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A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, "How did the human race start?". Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made."

The next day the little girl wrote to michelle obama and asked the same question. Michelle obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys in africa from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl went to her father and asked, "How come Sarah Palin told me that mankind was created by God, and michelle obama told me mankind evolved from monkeys?"

Her father answeres, "Well, it's very simple . . . Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and michelle obama told you about hers!"
 
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