Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying "No." Everyday she would ask him to please let her have the set. Everyday he would say "No." One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said, "You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition." Dolly was so excited! "Anything you want, honey!" "Well," he began, "when you grow hair on your chest, I'll buy you that living room."
"Grow hair on my chest?"
Dolly was devastated. "How am I going to do that?"
Her husband just smiled and went off to work.
Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.
"Honey," she trilled, "I ordered my living room set this afternoon!"
"You dddid???" her husband stammered. "You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!"
"I sure do!" she replied.
"No way! Let me see it." replied her husband.
"OK!" she said as she lifted up her skirt.
"There it is!" She pointed to her privates.
"HONEY! That is not your chest!"
"Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your 'hope' chest. Since we've been married it's been your 'tool' chest. And if I don't get my living room set, it's going to be the 'community' chest!"
When the Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter she wrote: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's 'thing' was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Fuck!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."
"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," I screamed at my partner " I'm really disappointed." "You can hardly blame me," he answered. "It's not like I was getting any from you." "Well that's your fault," I replied. " You never told me you were willing to pay for it!!.
A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The Problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought
the child into the world with all the pain and labor.
The child Should be in my custody. " The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Sam died. His Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."