random Jokes

brilor

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A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The Problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labour.
The child Should be in my custody. "
The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...
Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
 

konifur

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I walked into a pub last night to see a dog playing poker with a gang of blokes.
"Fucking hell.." i said "that's got to be the cleverest dog i've ever seen"
"You must be joking" said one of the men " everytime he gets a good hand, he wags his fucking tail"
 

konifur

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Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job."
 

konifur

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I'm very angry what I witnessed in Torquay yesterday. I saw a man and a woman having an almighty row ,drink involved , in front of loads of kids and completely oblivious to passing onlookers.
Suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl until someone called the Police.
When the copper turned up he had to take his baton to the man - All hell broke loose and there was a huge fight ! Eventually this idiot managed to snatch the baton off the cop and began assaulting him and his own wife!
.
Then this Crocodile sneaked up and stole all the Sausages . .
 

brilor

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A man was visiting his elderly neighbor and was given a tour of his home.
In the den was a stuffed lion.
The neighbor asked, "When did you bag him?"
The old man said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the neighbor.
"My ex-wife," replied the old man.
 

brilor

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A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" the husband asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked.
About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"
 

brilor

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs home.
 

brilor

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My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."
The silence in the taxi was deafening..
 

TwiztedAngel

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Donald Trump and Mike Pence were having a conversation, when it was bright up regarding Donald's problems with women, and how best to sweep it under the rug.
Mike mentions that people are talking above it Donald's tiny hands as well, when Donald speaks up "my hands are amazing. They're just the right size to spank my monkey with". Mike tells Donald " are you sure you want the public to know your weiner is tiny, too? Do you think that could resolve your issues with the ladies?" At that moment, Mike calls his lawyer to find out if he could be fired for asking?
 

brilor

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Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home.
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath.
Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.
 

brilor

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My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.
"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."
 

brilor

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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
Afghan Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly
The Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.' About a month later, the Captain
starts having his own 'urges'.
Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls
are."
 

brilor

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Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo," Fred replied.
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow," said Fred.
"Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
"And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
 

brilor

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A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him.
Questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she quickly replied.
"Tell him...Mother didn't come"
 

brilor

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I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
 
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