Edward Longshanks (Edward I of England) comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he reaches the battlefield, suddenly on the crest of hill there appears a solitary figure, a little stocky ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
"Hammer of the Scots?" yells the wee Scottish guy on the hill. "Come up here, ya English bastards, and I'll give ye hammer!"
Edward turns to his commander and says, "Take 20 men and deal with that Scottish upstart!"
The commander send 20 men over the hill to kill the Scot.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again. "Ye English bastards!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I'll have ya!!"
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
The commander sends 100 men over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill again, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a bit torn. "Ye English Scum!" he yells.
"I'm just warming up!!!! Come and Get me!!!"
Edward loses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally Wipe Him Off The Face Of The Earth!" he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads 400 men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru, and yells, "Is that the best ye can do??? You're Bloody Wimmin!!!! Come on, come and have a go ya bunch of Jessies!!!"
Edward turns to his second in command. "Take 1000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed him!" he commands.
The second in command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He's covered in blood and his clothes are all torn.
"Your Majesty!!!" he yells "It's a trap!! There's two of them.
One morning, the neighbor looked over the fence to see little Nancy filling in a large hole in the garden.
"What are you doing, honey? he asked her.
"Burying my goldfish." replied Nancy.
'Awww, isn't that sweet', thought the neighbor, and then said;
"Isn't that a rather large hole for a goldfish?"
"That's because it's inside your cat..." replied Nancy
Three house pets - a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat - all die and go to heaven...
As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.
God turns to the dog and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate principles? What do you believe in?"
The dog says "I believe in loyalty, companionship, and love. I have been a cherished part of my owners family for many years."
God smiles. "Truly, you have a pure and loving heart. You shall sit at my right hand." He then turns to the parakeet. "What do you believe in?"
"I believe in color, flamboyance, and music," the parakeet says. "For many years I have displayed my beautiful feathers and filled my owner's house with song."
"Your beauty is truly magnificent," God says. "And your song shall echo through the universe. You shall sit at my left."
God finally turns to the house cat. "And you, majestic little predator, what do you believe in?"
The cat lazily surveys God's throne and says, "I believe you are in my seat."