Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"
Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"
Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"
Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"
It's been years since my wife wanted sex but tonight she's been all, "Why don't we go upstairs?" And, "I've got something for you up there" and "I'm going to make you sweat tonight," I've got a horrible suspicion she's had a self assembly Ikea wardrobe delivered.
Two Iranians move to California. One day while out shopping the two meet. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country.
The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "Mohammad, We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"
After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.
As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.
His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"
Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"
The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."
A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this
salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it
was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the
lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than
Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red,
on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best
car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp.
The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with
billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick
magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a
reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I
save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't
escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when
you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and
places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns
the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other
adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the
Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled
The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the
familiar commercial on the radio.
Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.
"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"
"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"
Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.
He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"
"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.
Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"
"Leeds," replied the memory man.
Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"
The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."
Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."
Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to America and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.
Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.
"How," Dave says.
The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Noreen, Room 302"
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Noreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful!
I was so worried God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Noreen your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Noreen in 302. No one tells me shit.."
How do i get into heaven ? I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, ' If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? 'NO! ' the children answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was ' NO! If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered ' NO! I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven? ' A little boy shouted out: "YOU GOTTA BE FOOKIN ' DEAD...." ……………………….It's a curious race, the Irish.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 50th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?”
After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember.. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say“Yes" or did you say “No”?
"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this
beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and
that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall
create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.
He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll
give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and
will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you
with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll
be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting
and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll
also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised
eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. .
So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. .
So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."
A 70 year old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great".Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ..