random Jokes

jrwwwww

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Sep 4, 2019
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108
When I see birds fly, I think to myself: “If I was a bird, who would I poop on?”
 

stevent222

Jokeroo Immortal Super *Star* & all around NiceGuy
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Apr 3, 2006
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352,372
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked..

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding,' he said.

'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
 

brilor

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Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
206,287
A woman pregnant with triplets was shot three times in the stomach by a robber, he stole her purse and ran off. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son:

So the babies were alright, but the surgeon decided to leave the bullets in as their removal was too risky.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" Asked the mother.
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
Later that day the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
The next day her son walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay." Said his mum. "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No." Said the son. "I was having a wank and accidentally shot the dog!"
 

brilor

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Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
206,287
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.
 

squirt

Administrator
Joined
May 5, 2004
Messages
814,647
When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly.
I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.
I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years.
I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.
It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.
The dead bastard had a twin.
1bravosmiley.gif
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
206,287
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached
and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my Lord?"
"Go ahead Carson" said his Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too
clear on"
"What word is that?" said his Lordship.
"Aplomb" my Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or
complete composure"
"Thank you my Lord, but I'm still a little confused".
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few
months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend
with us."
"I remember the occasion very well , my Lord. It gave the staff and myself
much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, " do you remember Will plucked a
rose for Kate in the rose garden? "
"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs"
"While plucking the rose a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply"
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident my Lord and saw the Duchess
herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his
venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate
inquired of Will with a loud voice," "Darling does your prick still throb?
And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!
Now that is aplomb!
 

brilor

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Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
206,287
I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.

I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.
 

brilor

Jokeroo Legend
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
206,287
BREAKING NEWS: Yesterday a 45-year-old went to bed heard thieves in his garage. So he called the police. Unfortunately, the police officer on the phone told him they don't have any free police car right now. Guy hung up and then called again in a moment and says to the policeman:
Me about those thieves in my garage. Don't bother anymore, I shot them.
After literally 3 minutes, 4 police cars, anti-terrorists, ambulance came to the property..... Thieves were obviously caught.
- You said you shot them!
- And you said you don't have a free police car...
 

tasman

Senior Member
Joined
Dec 7, 2003
Messages
4,491
Little Johnny was late for school...again and although he was no stranger to trouble, he always told the truth. When his teacher asked him why he was so late he said "IT wasn't my fault, it's all because daddy sleeps naked!" The teacher (cringing inside) said "What does that have to do with you being late?" Johnny said "Well you see, a few nights back a fox got in the henhouse and killed six of our chickens. So Daddy decided to get that fox. Then, last night we heard a commotion in the henhouse. Daddy jumped out of bed, grabbed his shotgun and went out to get that fox. He told us all to stay back. Then he snuck up to the henhouse, buck naked, and real quiet like, peeked in through the window. Well, he poked that shotgun in to shoot that fox when ol' Duke came up behind him and poked his cold nose in daddy's butt crack. We've been plucking chickens since 3:00 this morning!"
 
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