A guy dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter says "we're really crowded up here, so you'll have to answer some questions to get in." First question. How many days of the week start with 'T'? The guy says "two, today and tomorrow." St. Peter says "That's not quite what I had in mind, but I like the way you think." Second question. How many seconds in a year? The guy says "12, the second of January, the second of February, the second of March..." Now St. Peter really wants to stump the guy, so he asks "What is God's first name?" The guy replies "That's the easiest question of all, it's Andy." St. Peter says Why do you say Andy?" The guy says "It's right in the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me."
A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.
"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.
"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"
"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."