Religious fervour!

squirt

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konifur

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"Can I have some metal polish. I want to do my nails."
"Metal polish? You must mean nail polish."
"I know what I mean," replied Jesus.
 

roadkill

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One day an engineer died and went to heaven. But St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets air conditioning running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan"So Satan how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well it's great I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning running water flushing toilets and I don't know what else he's gonna build next. Then God asks"You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake. Send him up here right now!" and Satan replies"No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says"send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking"Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer ??"
 

brilor

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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day a gay rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed he blessed Mankind and Womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. He said, "Sure."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti
 

roadkill

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Church Ladies With Typewriters


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts
are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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