St. Patrick's Day Jokes

[mytime]

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
Paddy O'Furniture

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A sham Rock

Why do frogs like St. Patrick's Day?
because they're always wearing green.

When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
When it's a FRENCH fry.

What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
Some poor horse is going barefoot.

Why is a river rich?
Because it has two banks.

What does a leprechaun call a happy man wearing green?
A Jolly Green Giant

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish!
Irish who?
Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day

What is Barney's favorite thing on St. Patricks day?
A Blarney stone

What do you get when you cross a pillowcase with a stone?
A sham rock

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
He couldn't afford the plane fare.

What happens when a leprechaun falls into a river?
He gets wet.

What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A leper con

What do you say to a leprechaun?
How's the weather down there?

 

[TakinMyLyfeBack]

:hehehaha: :runforthehills:

 

[Boys Night Out]

 

[TakinMyLyfeBack]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

 

[TakinMyLyfeBack]

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,
"Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with
the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came
to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come
out from under that bed, you
gutless weasel!

 

[Boys Night Out]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
"Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...

Darn! There goes another one!"



Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,

"Have I got all ye say there?"

The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."

 

[brilor]

O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box. St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.
'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.

 

[Boys Night Out]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub.
Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back.
The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking.
The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness,
drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual,
the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and
informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers,
who have moved to America and Australia, respectively.
This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once.
One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences.
The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."

 

[Boys Night Out]

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it.
The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

 

[Kryten]

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!

 

[stevent222]

I usually wear all Orange on that day.

 

[Boys Night Out]

Joey-Jim was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, Seamus?" Joey-Jim asked. "Well didn't ya know, Joey-Jim,
that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Seamus.
"Ah, praise the Almighty!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

 

[Boys Night Out]

Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,

"Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...
it was neither of us."

 

[Kryten]

'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick. 'It is.'
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.

 

[Boys Night Out]

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Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."

"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.

"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin
but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

 

[Boys Night Out]

[jimg]jpcb/z3/l/C/G/d/a.aaa-.gif[/jimg]
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock.
"We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left.
He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket,
went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off.
He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened.
"I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

 

[Boys Night Out]

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Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground.
Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied
"No Sean was taller than that"

[jimg]jpyp/z3/X/O/G/d/a.aaa-.gif[/jimg]​

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day.
After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ...
the wind is cutt'n me chest out!" "Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus,
"why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ...
that'll block the wind for you." So Paddy took Seamus' advice and
turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and
the two of them were off down the road again.
After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there.
Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route.
When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here ..
but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

 

[mytime]

So this Irishman WALKS OUT of a Bar

No, Really, It can happen!

 

[Boys Night Out]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done.
"What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

[jimg]jqhm/z3/A/Z/G/d/a.aaa-.gif[/jimg]​

"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece ?" "No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time !"

 

[Boys Night Out]

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

[jimg]jqhm/z3/A/Z/G/d/a.aaa-.gif[/jimg]
​

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.