St. Patrick's Day Jokes

KingHomie

Sex for Brains
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Nov 25, 2003
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Paddy Wins Some Money



Paddy wins a load of money on the pools. He asks his mate Murphy if he fancies going on the piss in London with him.

Well they arrive in London at this huge hotel. They're put up on the 10th floor. Off they trot on the piss and get back to the hotel about 2 o'clock in the morning. Paddy decides he wants to go for a swim.

Murphy is a bit miffed and asks "where the bloody hell can you go swimming at this time"

Paddy says " We can go in the Thames in our skiddies (underpants)"

Paddy then looks out onto his balcony and sees it's been raining; looking down at the shimmering road he shouts to Murphy "Oi -- the Thames is down here -- look!!!"

At that Murphy rips his clothes off revealing his Y-fronts sprints onto the balcony and dives off. SPLAT!! Straight into the road below.

After about five minutes he manages to pick himself up and shouts up to Paddy who's about to dive off the balcony. "Move over to the left a bit, this is the shallow end 'ere!!!"
 

likeaneagle

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Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! ' :kissonthecheek:
 

brilor

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant .
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.



"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.




"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her knickers and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Thunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor!
"I put drops in her eyes."

 

brilor

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Mick says to Paddy "spell paint"
Paddy says "what colour"
 

brilor

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What do you call an Irishman who sits out all night in the garden?

Paddy O'Furniture.
 

brilor

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Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor.

Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"

Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately
and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
 

brilor

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Paddy and a woman are kissing on a sofa.
After a while the woman says to Paddy, "Let's take this upstairs." Paddy says,
"Ok, you grab one end and I'll get the other."
 

brilor

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Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.

Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."

Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."

Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"

Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."

Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"

Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."

Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"

Paddy says,"I may be fucking Mental Chris,but I'm no fucking grass!"
 

brilor

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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas Day is on a Friday this year."

Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
 

brilor

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Murphy goes to the doctor, says "I'm worried about my penis, I think it looks like a little rocket ship", doctor says "what's your wife think?" Murphy says "she's over the moon!"
 

brilor

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BREAKING NEWS.......The irish Terroist whos broke into a Dublin Zoo is holding 12 ostrich's
 

brilor

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Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if
his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A
can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your
testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest
pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.
 

brilor

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<a href="http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Whats_The_Difference655.htm" target="_blank"><img src="http://www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Whats_The_Difference655.jpg" border="0" alt="Funny Pictures" /></a>
 

brilor

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Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies. The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?" Paddy replies "I"m hoping its going to be time and a half.
 

brilor

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I saw Paddy looking directly at the solar eclipse.
"Didn't you read any of the warnings? I said, "You could go blind looking at the sun like that!"
"I'm not stupid," he replied, "I'm looking at the moon."
 

brilor

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An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. Your loving Mother, P.S. I was going to send you 5 euros, but I have already sealed the envelope.


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